Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I'll make delicious food and you will eat it and then I will give you grief for getting fat and how you will die alone" - Mom

   The first thing I do when I answer the phone is hang up.

   My fat next door neighbor is lying face down on her front lawn. Don't know if she's passed out or eating the grass.

   I FINALLY got a new i-phone,, and for those wondering how long it would take to get chocolate smudged in it?? Shut-up.

   You chose tragic love story I choose avoiding preventable tragedies

   I believe man first started walking upright to free up his hands for masturbation.

   My dream girl would be my worst nightmare.

   Here's a lesson that no matter how many times I learn it, I always forget: When a woman asks you for your opinion about something, she doesn't actually WANT your opinion; she just wants to hear her opinion said again with a deeper voice.

   Micheal Phelps did it again......Smoke weed before swimming, got hungry and hurried up and swimmed to the Golden All-American buffett

   Just saw a movie where gas is $.63 a gallon. I now believe the 70s never actually happened.

   Make today ridiculously amazing!

   Let me in, Let me in, Let me in! I need to go back out again!----My Dog!

   Life is like a roll of toilet paper....The closer it gets to the end the faster it spins!!!

   Sorry I was talking while you were interupting!

   Penn State.....There's always Academics!

   There's no better feeling than proving someone wrong!

   Went for a job interview! The Boss looked over my resume' and says''For someone with absolutely no experience you sure are asking for a high salary!'' I said ''Well, Du'h...everyone knows the less you know the harder you have to work!!!''

   Before you judge me.......nmake sure you're perfect!

   Right now the United States and China are tied in total Olympic medals! Of course we trail in Gold medals because every time we win one we have to turn it over to China to pay our debt!!!

   II wish the XXX Olympics gave medals for the ''Clean and Jerk''