Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As a woman, it's part of my default settings to be right. Always.

   When push comes to shove, isn't that just a fight waiting to happen??

   What's a nice guy like you doing in a b!tch like her?

   I almost forgot to update my status that I'd been to the gym. What a waste of a workout that would have been!

   What's the best poison for rats and people who reP0st sh!t??

   You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you're laying in the hospital dying of nothing.

   Listen baby, You're the person I want to spend my life with for the next hour.

   My first potential date since my breakup was canceled due to sleep. Also, her boyfriend might have been upset.

   Underwear, pants, then go outside. Underwear, pants, then go outside. You'd think I would have this nailed down by now.

   Ladies: that blood curdling scream you just heard was my warrior cry and definitely had nothing to do with a bee chasing me.

   I need me a stress ball, because apparently squeezing people's hands isn't classed as good customer service.

   My failed brakes bring all the mechanics to the yard. And they like...(finish it off guys and make it funny)

   You know its time to call it quits on that relationship when her shoes become more important to her.

   The list of artists featured in MTV Unplugged in 2011 up to the present tells you what kind of singers we have nowadays.

   Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

   I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

   So obama is a descendent of the first slave, thats such a convenient discovery around election time. I guess nobody thought about checking his family tree four years ago. ancestry.com also discovered romney's ancestors were the first slave owners..

   So what's the best wine to bring to a job interview? Does anybody know? I got an interview tomorrow morning.

   I thought gold medal women's rowing was what happens outside pubs across Britain every Saturday night....

   Now that Snoop Dogg has reinvented himself as Snoop Lion, I would like to congratulate him on his newest reggae hits. You look and sound great in the new Red Stripe commercials, Snoop!!! Hooray Beer!!