Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One must respect the "every-other urinal" law. There are 10 open urinals, why would you want to pee right next to another dude?

   Good judgement comes from experience. And all of that comes from bad judgment.

   There's people who can build machines to explore other planets and then there's people telling you where to eat chicken sandwiches. Just sayin

   Curiosity left earth so long ago it's using a Polaroid...

   I hope that lady referee doesn't have a mic...

   NASA has some crazy $hit on their bucket list!!

   Lady referee: What? What happened, why did he run into the other team? Throw it, throw it, throw it…why didn't he throw it??? You wants more dip?

   with the intergration of females into the NFL referee ranks the need for instant replay will soon be a thing of the past. In my experience WOMEN ARE NEVER WRONG!! SO this is a Win!!Win!!

   My pet peeve: ketchup bottle precum

   National anthem of jamica isn't bob marley?

   The only time sex should be taken off the table is if I am moving her to the counter instead

   My online password is now strong enough for their website. But now it's too complicated for me.

   Babe, you can find the key to my heart in any liquor store.

   In Call of Duty you can get booted for inactivity, let's put this into dating rules.

   Instead of stressing, whining and crying over him, use that energy to get over him.

   If you want a cream pie recipe you just type cream pie in Google and WAIT GRANDMA NO!!!

   Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.

   My morning glory is lots of coffee and nobody contacting me before noon.

   I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

   If I'm napping in my car, don't wake me up unless I'm driving