Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yes please tell me your hopes and dreams because I haven't had a good laugh in awhile.

   I wonder when people without cars pick their noses...

   I'm shocked that Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson! Especially, since I don't have any idea who the they are!!!

   I told her she has a nice ass. As a lady, she looked at me like my mom didn't raise me right. But we all know she'll smile about it in the ladies room.

   I once won an argument with a woman…in this dream I had.

   I have this arrangement where people leave me alone and then I let them live.

   Him to friends: I banged her like a porn star, she probably won't walk for a week. Her: I'm not even sure he was in me the entire time

   Why does it seem only ugly, fat or old chicks hit on me when I go out to the local watering hole?

   Finally, track and field. Where the men are men and the women are too...

   Her: Do You know how much I love you? Me: how much? Her: This much *spreads legs*

   Sometime's I put lipstick on my own collar Just so I can get the silent treatment

   People with full heads of hair that complain about grey hairs make me sick. It's like complaining that your Lamborghini gets terrible gas mileage.

   Be a deer and stand in the middle of the road for me, would you?

   The key to a relationship is both of you staring silently at your phones as the emotionless fog ushers you into the cold embrace of death.

   My toddler just grabbed a slice of pizza, folded it like a pro, and took a bite. It was like watching a paternity test come back positive.

   The tupac hologram at coachella was so realistic, it's already not paying child support for two children

   So what your saying Chick-Fil-A, you will not be sponsoring Men's Olympic Racewalking.

   Nothing gives me greater joy than telling the IT guy that my password is "password"

   There are few guarantees in life but if you see a grown man riding a bmx, he knows where to score some meth

   Someone cut this gloryhole too big, I can see this guys mustache and it's really throwing my fantasy off