Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Babe, you can find the key to my heart in any liquor store.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 14:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In Call of Duty you can get booted for inactivity, let's put this into dating rules.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 13:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Instead of stressing, whining and crying over him, use that energy to get over him.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 13:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you want a cream pie recipe you just type cream pie in Google and WAIT GRANDMA NO!!!
←Rate | 08-06-2012 13:33 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 13:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My morning glory is lots of coffee and nobody contacting me before noon.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 13:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 13:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I'm napping in my car, don't wake me up unless I'm driving
←Rate | 08-06-2012 13:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Religion, While you were debating what chicken sandwiches were okay to eat, I just landed on Mars. Sincerely, Your Pal Science
←Rate | 08-06-2012 13:01 Comments (2)  


   messageicon I'm so blessed not to have you in my life.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 12:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger. When did they start using natural ingredients?
←Rate | 08-06-2012 12:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "I'll eat your kids for breakfast!" - me talking to a chicken.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 12:52 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pull your skirt down, sweetie. Your daddy issues are showing.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 12:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Guess who has two thumbs and is high off bath salt… sh!t where are my fu cking thumbs…
←Rate | 08-06-2012 12:43 by one Comments (0)  


   messageicon We're all like corn.... Just passing through
←Rate | 08-06-2012 12:31 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon The inventor of the doorbell OBVIOUSLY did not own a chihuahua
←Rate | 08-06-2012 12:30 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 11:16 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon I gave $10 to our local Little League team, just to be called an "Athletic Supporter"
←Rate | 08-06-2012 11:15 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon I bet homeless people think we're making fun of them when we go camping.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 11:14 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's good to see Peyton Manning doing what he does best - pretending he drives a Buick.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 11:09 by SEAN Comments (0)  




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