Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh my!! I just witnessed Napoleon Complex at its best. This guy in a lil' 4 cylinder Prius with a loud ass muffler just stole everyone's attention.

   Usain Bolt should be an unlockable character on Temple Run.

   How come tragic events never seem to happen to groups of clowns?

   SPOILER ALERT!!! Wish the Milk in my refrigerator had that on it

   76 Chinese Medals... imprint on back ....Made in China... Coincidence...I think NOT!

   I don't speak Brazilian, but my tongue knows its way around it.

   it appears as if Randy Travis has a major problem with alcohol... drunk, naked and threatened to kill the officers that arrested him last night for DUI... and a public intox. last Feb.? Wait, is he in the NBA or NFL???

   Whenever you're feeling down, remember; you're the sperm that won.

   If sex burns a lot of calories as the experts say, then Rick Ross must be a virgin.

   Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.

   Just took a sh!t in an envelope and sent it to Nicolas Cage. I think it'll be his best script yet.

   To think, millions of children go to bed every night without knowing what their Sleep Number is.

   Lots of woman stay in relationships just to have somebody around to kill spiders and open jars.

   Weren't the Olympics supposed to add bum fighting this year?!

   I was pulled over for driving a Ford Tempo without a cigarette in my mouth.

   Piñatas are a great way to show kids that using assault with a deadly weapon is a fun way to get what they want.

   Do video games cause violence? Why don't you ask these teens kicking all the animals at the petting zoo hoping they burst into coins.

   Ladies, He's not looking at p0rn because he's bored with you. He's been dating his hands his whole life, and that's who's getting boring.

   I'm old enough to remember when they had to put disclaimers on p0rn saying it was for "education purposes".

   Today's menu: 1 gallon of attitude, 3 cups of sarcasm, 2 tbsp of leave me the hell alone, and a generous cup of shut the feck up!