Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Babe, you can find the key to my heart in any liquor store.

   In Call of Duty you can get booted for inactivity, let's put this into dating rules.

   Instead of stressing, whining and crying over him, use that energy to get over him.

   If you want a cream pie recipe you just type cream pie in Google and WAIT GRANDMA NO!!!

   Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.

   My morning glory is lots of coffee and nobody contacting me before noon.

   I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

   If I'm napping in my car, don't wake me up unless I'm driving

   Dear Religion, While you were debating what chicken sandwiches were okay to eat, I just landed on Mars. Sincerely, Your Pal Science

   I'm so blessed not to have you in my life.

   I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger. When did they start using natural ingredients?

   "I'll eat your kids for breakfast!" - me talking to a chicken.

   Pull your skirt down, sweetie. Your daddy issues are showing.

   Guess who has two thumbs and is high off bath salt… sh!t where are my fu cking thumbs…

   We're all like corn.... Just passing through

   The inventor of the doorbell OBVIOUSLY did not own a chihuahua

   Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.

   I gave $10 to our local Little League team, just to be called an "Athletic Supporter"

   I bet homeless people think we're making fun of them when we go camping.

   It's good to see Peyton Manning doing what he does best - pretending he drives a Buick.