Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been desperate, but never "I'm all out of bullets so I'll throw the gun at you" desperate.

   I love wanking in the shower but I've been told that if I do it again, they're gonna revoke my gym membership.

   You never really know somebody till they catch you winking at their fiancèe

   Things happen for no reason. This is why people invent gods.

   The Divorce Judge told me I had to give my ex-wfie a vehicle, so I just Fed-Ex'd her an old broom...

   Nobody at work will play bloody knuckles with me. I swear we've raised a nation of pansies. Now where's my latte and hot rock masseuse?

   a guy at work has the whispering skills of Samuel L. Jackson.

   I could never find it in my heart to kill another person, but I've entertained the thought of dancing on a grave or two.

   Let's observe a moment of silence for all the black women who don't have a Q or an apostrophe in their first name.

   I have walrus-like reflexes! Basically I roll around my apartment and slap my belly when I want food

   Can't wait to buy Randy Travis's new album "Down and Loaded"with the hit single "Pants On The Ground"

   No wonder, the Chinese took the medal in Table Tennis in the olympics....their use to seeing small balls going back n forth.

   Bruh, if she's still driving around in a car that's full of Hellokitty apparel, then she's too young for you !!

   Stop looking at your phone, he hasn't texted or called. But that's okay because he doesn't deserve a girl like you anyways.

   Sometimes “I'm single” means “I'm drama free”, “less stressed” and “I refuse to settle for less.”

   I don't run often, but when I do, it's with arms and fingers completely straight, super-cool gymnast style.

   If Facebook has proved ANYTHING, it's that the love of your life is someone you've never actually met.

   They say a a dog is man's best friend, but I don't even have enemies that'll look me dead in the eye while taking a sh!t on my carpet.

   As a responsible parent, I like to teach my kids that it's not the person you hate...it's their guts!

   doesn't want to die, but if I have to, I hope to die in a way so spectacular they name a new piece of protective legislation after me.