Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just pictured my life.....and there isn't room for you in the frame.

   Scientists Say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons.. They Forgot to mention Morons..

   Second chances: When it just didn't hurt enough the first time.

   I hope the Olympics has taught kids and parents that in real life you do not get a trophy just for participating.

   Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans. 

   “I wish there was a more convenient way to stalk others”- The phrase that started Facebook

   I'm pretty sure God created only 6 days, Monday was definitely made by Satan.

   The five second rule also applies to wearing sunglasses indoors.

   One must respect the "every-other urinal" law. There are 10 open urinals, why would you want to pee right next to another dude?

   Good judgement comes from experience. And all of that comes from bad judgment.

   There's people who can build machines to explore other planets and then there's people telling you where to eat chicken sandwiches. Just sayin

   Curiosity left earth so long ago it's using a Polaroid...

   I hope that lady referee doesn't have a mic...

   NASA has some crazy $hit on their bucket list!!

   Lady referee: What? What happened, why did he run into the other team? Throw it, throw it, throw it…why didn't he throw it??? You wants more dip?

   with the intergration of females into the NFL referee ranks the need for instant replay will soon be a thing of the past. In my experience WOMEN ARE NEVER WRONG!! SO this is a Win!!Win!!

   My pet peeve: ketchup bottle precum

   National anthem of jamica isn't bob marley?

   The only time sex should be taken off the table is if I am moving her to the counter instead

   My online password is now strong enough for their website. But now it's too complicated for me.