Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Mars Rover reports there are only 167 Starbucks on Mars!

   You never see Micael Pelps's father in the stands because he is a dolphin.

   Dear Maroon 5: You can borrow my phone as long as you promise never to sing again.

   so youre looking for a good guy who will love and respect you, but yet you post half naked pics on your fb? why thats. .thats brilliant!

   waiting for the chinese to develope a way for me to order my food online and not have to listen to their crap anymore.

   I got a job as a bounty hunter in China. Couldn't believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!

   I married my wife for her looks........just not the ones she's been giving me lately!

   How many divorced men does it atke to change a light bulb?......No one knows they never keep the house!

   My boyfriend is walking out on me because of my obsession with Call of Duty. It's okay, he won't get far. I put a claymore by the door.

   What!? High schools with daycare centers!!....Now see what you did MTV by having that 16 & Pregnant mess! I hope you're happy.

   SCORE! Some girl on my friends list asked me to meet her for drinks tonight! All I need to do is hit the ATM and lose 70 lbs by 8 O'Clock.

   I don't know what hurts my wrist more, playing volleyball or watching women's volleyball!

   It's funny how the Chinese are competing to win back medals they probably made a month ago!

   If all else fails in my life I can always become a priest and earn a living through that gig.

   some people are like clouds, once they f__K off it becomes a nice day.

   Religion is a multi-billion dollar industry and those benefiting financially from it will do everything in their power to keep the con going.

   I do not care how old I am. I am going in the bouncy castle!

   Olympian's earn their medals every 4yrs........In Afghanistan our servicemen earn their medals every day!!!

   Cat burglars commit daring robberies with stealthy skills, while kitten burglars are so cute people just give them stuff.

   I walked into the Dentist's office and he asked me what the problem was and I said ''Doc, I think I'm a Giant Moth!'' He said ''You need a Psychiatrist not a Dentist, why did you come in here?'' I told him ''The light was on!!!''