Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lost my brain.. If you find it please dont contact me. I am Happy!!

   dont act like you've never passed out in the middle of the street in roller blades

   Just imagine if Usain Bolt was your father and you were trying to run away from a beating.

   Got a shopping cart without a f*up wheel. Ballin!!!

   Notice you don't hear about,"Kony" anymore? Glad everyone cared for like, five minutes.

   feeling like it might be a randy travis kind of weekend...

   Nothing more awkward then being 10 minutes into a porno and realizing there's no girls in it...

   "Where were you,, on the night of November-to-April?" - Alaskan Prosecutor.

   My mother-in-law's coming,,,,, I had to clear out half my closet so she has a place to hang upside down and sleep

   This Ethiopian Athlete can totaly beat Usain Bolt in a sprint race if you put food on the finish line..

   News: German diver receives a 0.0 score. Apparently, Olympic judges don't appreciate cannon balls.

   Now I see why the Jamacia's flag is Green,yellow and black.. It's the color bananas go........

   The best times of my life were spent either blowing bubbles or playing with titties…

   “if I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning.” And yet, people complain about today's song lyrics…

   it just me or does it seem like the Olympics have been on for like 10 days straight now???

   What the hell is humourous whit, and why would anyone brag about it?

   If only they had and Olympic event for Facebook, my FB friend would win Gold everytime in the Drama event..

   It amazes me how many people complain about privacy on Facebook than have there profile set to public. Morons!

   Each day of my life is like a chapter in a book.....deserving of a happy ending....

   I MAY have just clinched Olympic Gold,, by going 5 for 5,,, in my "popping the trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station." routine.