Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gaining weight isn't all bad. On the bright side, your clothes get so tight you don't need to iron the creases out.

   Let it be know that if you touch my phone and it's not a life or death situation, it automatically becomes a life or death situation.

   Idle hands do the devil's work, and that's why they're down your pants right now.

   Ignoring your ass is my favorite way of interacting with you.

   right now...there are 3 kinds -- people : 1. who want to kill Kristen 'coz she cheated Rob ,2. who don't know who the HELL she is and my personal favourite.......... 3. who don't give a DAMN if she did......

   say what you will about Usain Bolt, but I still say he'd make an outstanding purse snatcher

   Hey Jalen Rose, these Fab 5 actually won a championship. So shut your mouth!

   tired of being called a liar? tired of having to keep your thoughts locked deeply inside your mind in order to protect the feelings of others? Want to perform dance moves? Want to show the world the real you? . . No fear Everclear is here!

   Will somebody write something houmorous, all this one line bile is not funny !!

   Well, I'm off to check out the Perseid Meteor Shower...Oh, who am I kidding? I'm gonna get drunk, fall over backwards and try to see Uranus.

   I wonder if the Ethiopian Blend Coffee I just bought is fat free?

   No matter what, your parents bed will ALWAYS be comfier than yours!

   Man I sure hope these Brazilian volleyball chicks make out to celebrate their win.

   Sexy is when a woman is hot enough to flaunt it but chooses not to.

   I hate when I'm set on running a yellow light and the person in front of me chickens out.

   I see you over there practicing selective intelligence.

   Sometimes its just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.

   You really inspire me to be a bitter person.

   My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

   My 80 year young mother in law and I are fighting over who's gonna drive to the strip club..... priceless