Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's a difference between leaving her unsatisfied and hungry for more.

   There's few things more satisfying than putting eletrical tape over the sensors of automatic doors and watching people walk right into them.....muhahahahaha

   Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop

   When I visit a friend who greets me with "make yourself at home," I kick him out of the house because I hate visitors!

   I think I sprayed too much Febreze on my dog... but my couch and living room carpet smells so dog gone good!

   In yoga it's called the "downward dog" ... In the bedroom it's called "only because it's your birthday."

   Did you hear about the guy who robbed the store with a pair of scissors? Well long story short, apparently bullet also beats scissors.

   You can't fix stupid, but you can duct tape it!

   Ladies: Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing sitting down. Maybe YOU can learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up. You need it down. You don't hear us complaining when you leave it dow

   Ladies: Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to talk about sports, food, or sex. Not in that particular order either.

   They asked me at the hospital to be an organ donor. I didn't have one, but I left them my old guitar... hope it helps.

   I'm torn between having 'wish you were here' or 'look behind you' engraved on my headstone.

   Was it wrong to wear a "I love happy endings" t-shirt to massage envy?

   I Left my wife after she developed a strange fetish. She liked to dress-up as herself and act like a f--king c--t all the f--king time.

   There are 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.

   I'm tired of writing "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone.

   Oooooh, It's SHARK week and NOT "shart" week...embarrassing :/

   _ I'll bet if it ever really rained cats and dogs, Bob Barker would be pissed because who's gonna neuter them all?

   MAN: "Hi. I'm Bond.....James Bond. What's your name?" WOMAN: "Off.....Fu¢k Off."

   We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.