Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I Left my wife after she developed a strange fetish. She liked to dress-up as herself and act like a f--king c--t all the f--king time.

   There are 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.

   I'm tired of writing "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone.

   Oooooh, It's SHARK week and NOT "shart" week...embarrassing :/

   _ I'll bet if it ever really rained cats and dogs, Bob Barker would be pissed because who's gonna neuter them all?

   MAN: "Hi. I'm Bond.....James Bond. What's your name?" WOMAN: "Off.....Fu¢k Off."

   We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.

   Sex might satisfy, food might fuel, love might sustain, but without booze, what is the point?

   Even though I can't fix stupid, maybe this duct tape will keep it from getting worse.

   That pervert watched me and my girlfriend have sex! Man I hate Spiders!

   whenever my nephew says i'm his girlfriend I tell him just because we're from oklahoma doesn't mean we have to play the part.

   I don't hate you, because even hating you would be a waste of my emotions.

   I was gonna tell my wife she sucks for not giving me an@l but then I realized she doesn't do that either.

   What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend.

   Never tell a lady you wanna have sex with her mouth. Ask NICELY. "May you show me what your mouth can do?" Be a damn gentleman for once!

   Dear people that celebrate whenever they acquire a new "hater", add ME to the list.

   It is not like I was a productive person before Facebook anyway

   I perform my best sexually at gunpoint.

   Everyone knows MC Hammer pants were designed for shoplifting.

   You get into alotta trouble living with a lazy eye, cause no matter how you look at someone, it's always the wrong way.