Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I say I love you, I do it with the same amount of sincerity with which a celebrity claims he loves all his fans. Zero.

   Girls who don't want to go out with me have either read my jokes or have looked at me.

   Body Shots: There's a slut for that.

   What do you get if you cross a dog, a mini skirt & crotchless pants? I know I'd get an erection & it's a safe bet the dog's getting it too.

   Girls are so cute when they think that those fake eye lashes don't make them look like complete idiots

   my mother always told me , believe none of what yah hear, and only half of what yah see

   I've seen squirrels having seizures with more brains than you

   Slut? Weeeeell, let's just say she's had more d1ck ends than weekends.

   Some women say that giving birth is the single most painful experience one could ever endure.... I just going to assume they have never stepped on a lego in the middle of the night on the way to the bathroom.

   Your as useless as a snow blower in August!!

   Nothing quite like a good episode of COPS to make you feel better about yourself.

   It's great that they're searching for Amelia Earhart again,, But I think we've got to brace these people,, there's a good chace she's not alive

   I have done literally nothing in my life to prevent forest fires.

   Where do residents of Hawaii win all expenses paid vacations to?

   I had a dream about a planet run by orphans who sing a song filled with unintelligible lyrics and had authority figures with voices that blared like brass. Then I woke up and A Charlie Brown Christmas was on.

   This one time, in 2009, I put my phone down for almost 8 minutes.

   I like going in for a Vasectomy and then backing out at the last second just so someone else can shave my junk.

   My wife is out of town for the weekend... I've already slid across the floor in my socks and underwear...... Now what?

   If you ever want to see my impression of one of those inflatable tube guys that car dealerships use,,,, throw a spider down the back of my shirt

   Spent a week on a dating website. Apparently “LOL” is the new “I'm too stupid to have real thoughts…”