Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My aunt, a widow, who had 18 kids just died. At the service, the preacher said, "They're finally together." He didn't mean her husband, he meant her legs.

   Here's a shout out to all my friends that like shout outs!

   I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.

   Relax! It's a midget, not a child - Me, showing my favourite home made p0rno to my new girlfriend.

   I'm always surprised how quickly "you're so funny" turns into "everything is a joke to you." (usually about 3 months)

   I will no longer need your services REAL LIFE...I Now have MineCraft!

   I just had sober sex. That was horrifying

   How do you say, 'I don't want to go out with you because I have a mad crush on someone that lives in my phone' without sounding crazy?

   You're the only thing that doesn't make sense in my life.

   A perfect day is everyday I'm spending my life without you.

   When I hear a girl speak German, I automatically think she's a lesbian

   There are two types of girls; girls who are fat and girls who think they are fat.

   You can't be ugly and play hard to get, your already hard to want.....

   Having sex is easy. Getting the girl to not call the cops is the real challenge.

   Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they're being an ass.

   Whenever a woman calls me "dude" I immediately assume she is a lesbian.

   The beauty of Google is that you can stop annoying people with your stupid questions.

   She's teaching me wine appreciation which is cool, but I'd really appreciate a bigger glass.

   Yeah he is soldier built for the COKE VS PEPSI war.

   This rapper Pitbull says he was built for the war but I don't think he means active service, he's a soldier like Beyonce.