Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The fact that you can still make me smile really pisses me off.

   Some guys shave their balls, but real men tweeze.

   I get so forgetful during sex... wrong username or wrong safe word every time.

   I have no sympathy for amateurs who make sex tapes or take nude pics of themselves and cry “invasion of privacy” when they fail to safeguard them and they leak to the media and public.

   If you can take my girl, then you can have her. If I can take your girl, then you can have her too.

   n't it weird when you see someone driving a car they have no business driving? Like when you see me driving away in your car?

   I sometimes choke on my food just so someone will hold me.

   I am going to walk over and start shaving my b@lls at the cubicle of the next person that clips their nails at work.

   I thought instagram was a cocaine delivery service.

   That 3D ultrasound photo you posted is scaring the sh*t out of everyone.

   I've learned something. The bigger the girl, the bigger the att!tude.

   Facebook is in a relationship with the stock market and it's complicated.

   Advice from Aunt Fanny: #173 Remember, it's bad luck to be superstitious.

   "Swag", sounds like something that gathers between my nuts and anus.

   Before Drake started saying YOLO, did ya'll suckas think you could live twice or something??

   I organized a 3 some last night. There were a couple of no shows but I still had a good time.

   thinking of joining the Mortal Kombat tournament. I am pretty deadly with Hulk hands on.

   I could really, really use some shenanigans.

   My mother-in-law has to work for "Tips",,,,,,,,,, Yeah,, You see, Nobody will put the whole thing in....

   When he was my age, my father had three kids, owned two businesses and a house. I can't even pull that off in 'The Sims'.