Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The most attractive quality in a woman is alcohol.

   Nothing's more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in walmart was staring at me.

   A womans anger is like a check engine light..there is no way to figure out why it came on so just ignore it and hope it goes away....

   Not putting metal in your microwave also means not feeling like an awesome sorcerer in your own kitchen.

   They should make a car that can text you when the car ahead of you brakes.....

   My pre-nup will indicate that I'm allowed to unplug her life support system should my phone need charging....

   I have discovered that when you give people advice through the medium of interpretive dance, they quickly regret asking you for it, and go away.

   The duct tape, prevents glass shards from flying around when broken.

   Come on Issac, the convention is about to start, don't let us down.

   just realized who I am.... The Vodka Whisperer

   glad to see today was set aside for all the skanks out there. Happy National Dog Day!!

   Anyone thought how they might want to die? I want to die during a routine liposuction...

   If you find something wrong with EVERY person you meet maybe its because you haven't been introduced to yourself!

   IF god exists, why is he supporting the government?

   HURRICANE Tip: Make certain to create a giant "X" with duct tape on all your windows to alert neighbors you are an idiot.....

   Every time I see someone post, "Who wants to Facetime me?"...... I giggle a little bit.... Please tell me I'm not the only one.

   I'll start respecting religion when it starts respecting every human being equally regardless of race, gender, & sexuality.

   SWEARING: because sometimes "gosh darn-it" and "meanie head" just don't cut it

   Life is full of rejection. Even my credit card has been denied

   The first person who offers to tell you about the facts of life usually doesn't have a clue...