Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram sometimes make me forget I have text messages.

   LIKE if you know what this means… Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A.

   Some relationships are like Tom & Jerry. They tease each other, knock down each other irritate each other but can't live without each other.

   It's funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

   Todays Generation – “omg my parents never let me have nything.” via iPhone

   You know that you work too much when you count hours off and not days off.

   I'm not saying she is a slut, but she has been on more wieners than heinz ketchup

   fall in love with a person for their brains and not their looks. Eh, save that sh!t for ugly people

   I don't feel so bad about not having an up to date phone. I just saw a woman jogging past my house carrying a Walkman.

   Can someone help me, I can't remember,,, Did Sarah Jessica Parker get an Oscar for seabiscuit?

   Home from a long day so please don't call or text me. Gonna combine my favorite things... Yep, I'll be Napping Off.

   heard someone say there is a .45 cent concert going to be held this weekend on national tv...it will be 50 cent, featuring Nickleback.....

   I'm in one of those weird marriages where we still have sex every day.. With each other!

   I hate vans. Nothing good ever comes out of them. Kidnappers... Terrorists... Soccer moms.

   Erectile Dysfunction isn't my problem... It's the Erectile Rejection that's a b!tch.

   My wife is upset, apparently I'm breathing wrong again.

   If I just cleaned the floor I'm watching your steps like you're gonna steal something.

   make sure you spell Harry correct and don't leave out the word "Prince" in your search for Harry Nude pictures....

   Pretty sure I know what my GF is getting me for Christmas. When I guessed, "a threesome?" she got all angry like I'd ruined the surprise.

   Lost a couple FB friends overnight. Hopefully they just died and it wasn't something I said...