Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Phoned up my neighbour this morning to tell him that his Pekingese made a big mess in my front yard. Also, that he owes me a new lawn mower blade.

   My girlfriend has been trying out her new schoolgirl outfit I brought her earlier today. Which is a shame........Can't believe she's back to school on Monday already.

   I'm surprised more workplace violence isn't motivated by the vending machine's refusal to accept a dollar bill.

   According to my employee handbook I am only required to show up sober. There is nothing saying I can't start drinking once I get here...take that HR lady

   A girl told me today "a lot of guys want me" I told her " that doesn't surprise me, keep in mind honey that cheap things usually attract many customers"

   I was just brushing my teeth and putting on deodorant when out of nowhere I hear "you're gonna have to pay for that"...this walmart sucks!

   These teens moms, calling themselves a mother because they gave birth is like calling me a doctor, because I own Band-aids.

   Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write to people and pray they cash them at the teller just to make things interesting...

   Booze may be a man's worst enemy… but only a coward runs from his enemy.

   If you want to drink all day, you've got to start in the morning.

   I bet koala farts smell like cough drops.

   I was going to post a status about pizza but it was too cheezy

   On your GPS you have options such as "AVOID TOLLS" or "AVOID HIGHWAYS"..... they REALLY need to add "AVOID GHETTO"....

   typos are totally acceptable on Fcaeobok...

   hey quit littering! you need to pick that status up and put it in the trash where it belongs. RJ

   I wonder what normal feels like.

   Don't give it to me straight. I like it a little crooked.

   Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.

   Republicans haven't said anything about welcoming immigrants.Grrrr!! I might be jumping the fence again.

   Highways need 4 lanes per side. A Nascar wannabe, a normal driver, an old people who drive 30 in a 70 and a where the hell am I lane.