Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Come to think of it... I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

   You never want to hear "Is that where you're supposed to poop?!" yelled by an adult from across the house. Especially not on shrimp scampi night.

   OK, New Orleans, time for your seven year washing!!

   If Hurricane Isaac hits Louisiana and costs us a dime of our Federal tax money....it's time we sell this b@tch back to France!!

   Im on my FACEBREAK!!!! - definition - a week break from FACEBOOK

   Memo to New Orleans: You can't turn the Superdome into a sewer this time., emergency shelter will be at Tom Benson's house....

   Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it's like a high-five for your feet.

   I know what you did for a Klondike bar, and you are gross.

   Snooki has her baby! In other news, Willy Wonka said to be on a secret rescue mission of a newborn Oompa loompa...

   The birth of Snooki's baby was rudely interrupted by Kanye West. He loudly claimed that " Willy Wonka made the best Oompa Loompas ever!"

   Snooki has her baby, and Mike Tyson takes a crap.. Scientists are baffled by the amazing similiarities of both results..

   "My imaginary friend is better than yours!" ~ religion.

   STOP ANIMAL TESTING...they don't know the answers.

   I just heard a woodpecker call me a 'paranoid old weirdo' in morse code.

   Advice to women: don't confuse men with credit cards.

   Shout out to all the people in church today, who didn't speak to anyone, cause their breath still smelled like Jack Daniels.

   Reports from the delivery room say it was actually pretty sweet the way baby Lorenzo was already teaching Snooki to read.

   What doesn't kill you is probably a poison made in China.

   What's that Adele song about not being able to hold onto a boyfriend?

   Apple is suing the family of Sir Isaac Newton. On the grounds he had no right using the apple to prove the theory of gravity.