Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won't eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won't use his skull as a cup.

   I want to be flabbergasted by something other than ignorance.

   .the world does not revolve around you, it revolves around the sun...which shines out my ass.

   Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I'll settle for some bacon.

   I'm single by choice. Not my choice. Women's choice.

   Alcohol is never the solution to your problems! But since we're not looking for any solutions but more problems, lets get drunk!

   If I had a dollar for every time someone caught me 80s dancing in my car I could afford to tint these windows.

   Angry sex is awesome, but I wouldn't recommend oral till the makeup sex

   Coffee is like an engine starter; you might be powerful, but even a jet engine needs a starter.

   The only time I can't hold my liquor is when I have a bong in one hand and a lighter in the other.

   For the first time in history a chinese product has come up with a one year warranty.......MISS WORLD 2012 is Miss China, who will hold the tag for at least an year

   I like my women like I like my glasses, sitting on my face

   My girlfriend came in while I was watching the football highlights she said, "Awww, is this the Paralympics?" I said, "No, it's Dallas Cowboys."

   I saw my neighbour jogging at 1am this morning and said "It's a bit late for you Kathy, isn't it ?". She said "I couldn't sleep". I said "That's not what I meant, you fat b*tch"....

   If you're constantly posting “loving my life!” as your Facebook status, you're probably not.

   How embarrassing would it be if Facebook automatically updated statuses to what you where doing. “Billy is alone in his room.”

   that I have been married for 21 years andwe have had $ex almost everyday....almost Monday,almost Tuesday,almost Wednesday.....

   If you have time to update your status after your wedding, you're doing it wrong.

   Where is the button to restart summer?

   Sometimes, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.