Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You never really forgive the friend who tricked you into watching "2 Girls 1 Cup".

   I like my steak like I like my p*s$y, juicy with a warm pink center

   Taco Bell at 3 in the morning = runny doo doo at 9 in the morning

   Fast way to MESS up someones Knock Knock joke? "It's open."

   great day!!! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!!!

   What's so cool about taking a picture of a bathroom mirror?

   I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray. He's still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.

   Mexican word of the day "wheelchair": Juan and I only have one taco, but is ok, wheelchair.

   My wife must like it doggie style. Every time I mention sex she hides under the bed…

   To be honest, I really don't give a damn. I lose friends, I make friends, and I make enemies everyday. Regardless, I'm still going to be me.

   I don't like the cut of your gib and ya got no mojo!

   Women are the only people who can go out broke and come home drunk.

   I think I'm emotionally constipated, cause I haven't given a sh!t in days.

   I noticed my wife slip a box of headache tablets into her handbag before she left the house this morning. At least I know she's not cheating on me.

   I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.

   I was having s3x with my wife and stopped and asked, "Did I hurt you?" "No. Why do you think you hurt me?" "Because you moved."

   I'm not saying my ex was frigid, but to put it in computer terms, I would call her a "pop-up blocker"

   What's the diffence between my wife and our dog? You have to command the dog to 'play dead'. The wife automatically does it when she hears stairs creaking.

   I told the wife earlier that I wanted a sex change. From no sex, to actually having some.

   Just because something is meant for kids doesn't mean it won't be amusing for adults. B00bs are a great example of this.