Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can't hear me through binoculars.

   Box wine? I prefer the term Cardboardeaux.

   Even if incase the moon landing episode was fake... You have to give Neil Armstrong credit for planting an American flag somewhere, without killing anyone.

   Snooki named her baby Lorenzo because she couldn't spell Heineken

   Look, if we all work together, we can lift and move New Orleans to a new location...

   I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific!

   If you don't hate yourself by the time you log off, you're not using the internet correctly.

   Curiousity killed virginity.

   Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.

   I met a cute girl in the tampon aisle today... so I asked if she'd be free to go out for dinner in 5-7 days...

   Memo to New Orleans: You can't turn the Superdome into a sewer this time., emergency shelter will be at the black crack neighbors house!

   I have so many issues, popular magazines would get jealous.

   If you think you're having a bad day.. just remember, somebody is going to have Snooki as a mom

   Food stamps are the new “Hey, I finished SOME community college.”

   You can stop lifting weights now; it's actually your personality that nobody likes.

   I wish there was a rewind button in life.

   Sometimes I wish I could be one of my friends for 1 day, to see how it is to hang out with me..

   In 1969, nearly 600 million people tuned in to watch Neil Armstrong walk on the moon. Now we have 'The Bachelorette'.

   Pandora: *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* runs out of skips.. *changes station*

   During a breakup, women need tissues for tears... men also need tissues, but for a different reason.