Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when my boss makes me earn my money. What is his problem?

   Today, some guy trying to steal my tires got ran over by another guy trying to steal my car.

   sir, what you did is so illegal that it loops around and now you're the cop and i'm under arrest. here's your badge welcome to the force

   In addition to the Block,,, Facebook needs to add a Tackle option.

   If I ever put stuff in storage I'm going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.

   I bet if my favorite rock stars saw how hard I rock out & jam to their music they would say "I want to hang out with that dude forever."

   Hurt my back while sleeping last night in case you're wondering how I'd do running a marathon.

   destructive forces have hit the Gulf Coast! Oh, and a hurricane sweeped by.

   Sorry if you don't like my Honesty. But to be fair I don't like your lies

   It's unbelievable how many problems go away by simply ignoring them and going to sleep.

   We lost Michael Jackson in 2009, Neil Armstrong just died...man we're losing all of our moon walkers

   the way everything you do is connecting to facebook, I look for bank accounts to get connected one day & the bank teller will say "that check bounced but we see ur friends with this person who looks rich...ask them to borrow some"

   I'm so proud of my African pen pal friend. He tells me he hasn't had a drink in weeks. I'm so glad, he's staying sober.

   When I'm calling someone, while the phone is still ringing, I rehearse to myself how I'm going to say hello..

   "You must not only respect the pouch, but yourself as well." - Capri-Sun Tzu

   Apparently, mother nature isn't too fond of the brothers either…

   Single life might be lonely, but at least I'm always with my favorite person

   I need to find out what my company needs to do in order to get protests by topless women.

   My ship has sailed, now I am waiting for the UFO.

   How do Vampires shave each day.....I mean they are not able to see their reflection in the mirror.