Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This dishwasher sucks. It's already ruined three of my paper plates.

   My parents are great people, except when they invite their crazy relatives

   The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this "I know your high" look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got the f#ck out of there.

   Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? A: Because his pecker is on his head!

   Anyone ever worry about summoning a demon by unknowingly drawing a mystic symbol with their Toaster Strudel icing?

   Has anyone noticed that there aren't many play-places at fast food restaurants anymore? Probably because none of those kids chowing down on burgers and fries can fit through the tunnels.

   Nicki Minaj looks like the type of person who would just squat & take a sh!t in the middle of a busy street, not wipe, & keep on walking.

   I love myself because I don't have enough money to make other people do it.

   Whenever I silently fart, around my girlfriend, I say "Do you smell blueberry muffins?" so that she takes a few big whiffs and passes out.

   My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.

   Might love you quicker if you bring me more Liquor.

   The person who truly sees will marvel at everyday things.

   "I would rather have my balls repetitively stomped on by a woman wearing high heels" -My response to a "Hanson" concert invite-

   Dance like nodody's watching, love like no one can give the authorities a helpful description, stalk like there's no restraining order.

   The sexual tension was so thick you could cut it with a phone call from the wife.

   Sitting at a crossroad, strange I don't see Bones, Thug or Harmony

   Across this country right now, college marching bands are practicing call me maybe in time for the kickoff of college football.

   I'm a card carrying member of Card Carriers. I'd show you my card but my hands are full of cards.

   My relationship advice is if you're not single you deserve it.

   I don't think my newly divorced middle aged co-worker appreciates all the Cat adoption websites I keep emailing to her.