Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HURRICANE Tip: Make certain to create a giant "X" with duct tape on all your windows to alert neighbors you are an idiot.....

   Every time I see someone post, "Who wants to Facetime me?"...... I giggle a little bit.... Please tell me I'm not the only one.

   I'll start respecting religion when it starts respecting every human being equally regardless of race, gender, & sexuality.

   SWEARING: because sometimes "gosh darn-it" and "meanie head" just don't cut it

   Life is full of rejection. Even my credit card has been denied

   The first person who offers to tell you about the facts of life usually doesn't have a clue...

   Yellow, Orange, Red. Gatorade has colors, not flavors.

   Drunk Logic: "she's only ugly in the face."

   Every time I fart in my office, it's always 2 seconds before someone decides to walk in.

   A beautiful woman is a beautiful woman...but a beautiful woman with a brain is a lethal combo.

   If I could do it all over again. I would have kids and raise them in an Amish Community and make them believe that it is the year 1693. Then when they are 16, I'm going to tell them I've invented a 'Time Machine', and I will send them into the 'future'

   Love you ALL!!! Yes even you, you twisted little duck lipped 18 year old friend of my daughter...

   I'm really looking forward to the hurricane coverage to see which news reporter falls flat on their face from the wind...Ahhh, watching them fall never gets old!

   If bad things happen in threes I'd hate to be Billie Joe Armstrong today.

   Don't you love when you put a load in the dishwasher and it swallows?

   First Michael Jackson and now Neil Armstrong.I see god is no fan of moon-walkers.

   The man, whos 1 step was a giant leap for mankind has died. RIP Neil Armstrong.

   •You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.

   If Satan ever loses his hair, there will be Hell toupee.

   If they'd only let him keep his Tour de France titles, Neil Armstrong would still be with us today.