Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On the battlefield of life, my weapon of choice is intelligence.

   Me and my flat-chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor. The counsellor said, "What seems to be the problem?" "Well", I said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic"

   I hate it when I buy a bag of air and there are chips in it.

   When is decency going to be cool again?

   Apple is suing the family of Sir Isaac Newton on the grounds he had no right using the apple to prove the theory of gravity

   One thing you always pay full price for is other peoples mistakes...

   If I can punch you without moving my feet, you're in my personal space.

   People's Bull$hit and fakeness are the main reasons why I like to be alone at times!!!

   early predictions have hurricane Isaac causing $50 million in improvements to New Orleans...

   I'm actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.

   The wife's only listening to you outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels

   I hate when I ask my wife 'Am I looking Handsome?' and she remembers a joke which she heard earlier and laugh way too hard to even answer me

   When Karma come back to punch you in the face, I wanna be there.... Just incase it needs help!

   I just figured out my taxes & I have to pay.. But I have to do my part.. Otherwise some guy who paid no taxes in the 1st place wouldn't get a refund.

   I don't "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.

   I'm NOT falling for the candy in your pocket trick. Again. Unless you say it's chocolate.

   Whoa dude! You take me to levels even I didn't know existed.. Kudos to my favorite customer! Sincerely, Your Embarrassment.

   Roses are red.... Violets are blue... I waited till the last second, and Hallmark was closed... So are you still mad at me or what?

   I love a woman that can shoot a gun, but I fear a woman with good aim.

   By the volume of the pans clanging amd slamming in the kitchen... I think I'm supposed to be volunteering to help with something