Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can stop lifting weights now; it's actually your personality that nobody likes.

   I wish there was a rewind button in life.

   Sometimes I wish I could be one of my friends for 1 day, to see how it is to hang out with me..

   In 1969, nearly 600 million people tuned in to watch Neil Armstrong walk on the moon. Now we have 'The Bachelorette'.

   Pandora: *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* *skip* runs out of skips.. *changes station*

   During a breakup, women need tissues for tears... men also need tissues, but for a different reason.

   Come to think of it... I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

   You never want to hear "Is that where you're supposed to poop?!" yelled by an adult from across the house. Especially not on shrimp scampi night.

   OK, New Orleans, time for your seven year washing!!

   If Hurricane Isaac hits Louisiana and costs us a dime of our Federal tax money....it's time we sell this b@tch back to France!!

   Im on my FACEBREAK!!!! - definition - a week break from FACEBOOK

   Memo to New Orleans: You can't turn the Superdome into a sewer this time., emergency shelter will be at Tom Benson's house....

   Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it's like a high-five for your feet.

   I know what you did for a Klondike bar, and you are gross.

   Snooki has her baby! In other news, Willy Wonka said to be on a secret rescue mission of a newborn Oompa loompa...

   The birth of Snooki's baby was rudely interrupted by Kanye West. He loudly claimed that " Willy Wonka made the best Oompa Loompas ever!"

   Snooki has her baby, and Mike Tyson takes a crap.. Scientists are baffled by the amazing similiarities of both results..

   "My imaginary friend is better than yours!" ~ religion.

   STOP ANIMAL TESTING...they don't know the answers.

   I just heard a woodpecker call me a 'paranoid old weirdo' in morse code.