Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know that you gotta fight for your right to party?

   Google should change it's name to "Skynet".

   If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely

   I used to work at the post office, I told people I was a mail escorts...

   Wear jeans every day and nobody cares. Wear a shirt twice in a row and you're suddenly homeless in the eyes of everyone.

   Some of you people would be better off on a site called TwoFacedBook instead.

   Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they're absolutely right because smart men don't get married.

   I swear girls can be so ungrateful sometimes, I made her breakfast in bed, and instead of saying "Thank you", she's all like... "How the hell did you get into my house?!?!"

   Kim Kardashian settles lawsuit with Old Navy over stealing her likeness; also settles with The Gap over stealing her nickname.

   I should have known it wasn't going to be a real Supercut when they put my cape on backwards.

   Why not just go to a club where the roof is already high enough?

   if every guy was like me there would be a lot of happy women out there

   I am a female. Fe = Iron. Male = Man. Therefore I am Iron Man.

   Like my dad always says,, "Find out what you don't do well,, and then don't do it.".. It's one of our Family Traditions...

   Last night I tried to hang myself with about 20 bungee cords... If you're wondering,,, I almost died a bunch of times

   are the smurfs just a midget tribe of the Avatars?

   maybe i'll get laid by my wife....she said that will happen once in a blue moon

   Relationships are all about finding someone that works opposite hours than you so you never have to see them.

   I asked my mom one time why I was white and she was black. She said, " the way I remember the party you're lucky you don't bark."

   I am so hungry I think I'd probably choose pizza over sex right now.