Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I see the grade schoolers are here for the long weekend with the childish "jokes"

   Whats two tamp00ns say while walking down the road, NOTHING, there stuck up b!cthes

   3 Things I Learned Tonight: 1)It's not what you know, it's what you show. 2)If Swingers twice your age try to engage, just SLIDE away! 2.5) Especially if they mention "lube"...that's when you put on the BRAKES! 3) Samuel L Jackson is a DAMN good whistler!

   Hello September ツ ...Don't wake 'Green Day' up!

   Between every cigarette that I smoke, I quit smoking.

   You had me at let's get divorced.

   Creates an imaginary girlfriend. She just wants to be friends.

   Hoes looking for attention… Haters looking for a mention… Welcome to Facebook.

   The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing

   Apparently the “stop” button on Internet Explorer means “stop and also show me a blank useless screen regardless of what is visible when I press this button”

   Dear 'K", Thanks for being there for me when times get awkward. Sincerely, Got nothing to say.

   Son: Dad, why'd you name me Achilles? He's from greek mythology. Dad: Well son, you broke through the trojan wall.

   A lion would never cheat on his wife... But a tiger wood...

   Teens moms, calling yourself a mother because you gave birth is like calling me a doctor, because I own Band-aids.

   If there was an accepted currency worldwide, it would be Beer.

   Vending machines are so homophobic. I'm sorry my dollar is not straight enough for you.

   : The average man can't tell if a woman is about to give him a kiss or a slap in his face.

   If I didnt have to pay any taxes id be rich too.

   When I married miss right, I didn't know her name would change to Mrs Always Right.

   MTV has announced the cancellation of the show "Jersey Shore." Please join me in a moment of silence. OK, that was too long.