Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey girly, how about you don't tell me how much beer I should drink, & I won't tell you how much makeup you should wear.

   The best part of marriage is divorce.

   I got a Justin Bieber song stuck in my head and now I'm a lesbian

   My wife is so hot, I really hope I get to have sex with her someday

   If your spouse ever asks you what you think your marriage needs, "more cowbell" isn't the right answer.

   I was so happy when I lost my virginity cause I was no longer eligible to be in any of those sacrifices I signed up for as a dare.

   I like to name my bottles of wine. That one is Happiness... that one is Horniness... and that one is Empty.

   Sometimes I wonder, "Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.

   Holly Christ!! I'm as high as whoever wrote the Bible.

   You know that scene in 8 Mile where Eminem disses himself so the other guy has nothing to rap about? That's basically my only plan in life.

   I think I must be a closet obama lover because... My girl says I can never do anything right.

   After Labor Day, it's no longer fashionable to wear white, so I'm spending today in a $12,000 Vera Wang Wedding Gown.

   somewhere two dudes just ordered mochas from Starbucks and are calling them "brochas" and high fiving

   If someone throws a stone at you, be nice and throw a flower at them........ but remember to throw the flower pot with it!!!!!!!

   If your significant other doesn't know every last bit disgusting detail about what a gross human being you are then they don't know you that well.

   I understand if you aren't religious, I respect that. But you don't have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

   Anger occasionally makes me have a sh!tty day. Love occasionally makes me have a sh!tty 3 years.

   When the zombie apocalypse happens, I'm going to blast Michael Jackson's "Thriller", while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.

   Think a female friend has downgraded me from the 'Friend Zone' to the 'That-Guy-I-Used-to-Tell-My-Problems-to-When-I-Needed-Attention Area'

   I found a few ways to use feminism to my own benefit -- mostly to remain lazy and disgusting.