Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be yourself" is the worst advice you can give to some people.

   If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you're not naked near enough.

   Will you write on your girlfriend's Facebook wall telling her how much you love each her?" ~Said Nobody, ever.

   Oh, you brought a laptop with you to Starbucks? You must be so very important.

   Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you "Yeah.. So is a grenade.?

   I love people who gossip behind my back... that's just where they belong, behind ME!

   Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

   If you aren't liberal as a youth, you don't have a heart. If you aren't conservative as an adult, you don't have a brain…

   How scary was it when robo-cop took his helmet off for the first time?

   I was driving through a parking lot and this young guy was walking along, texting. He briefly glanced at my truck passing by and was timing his walk so he would pass by right behind my truck as I drove by....he didn't see the ladder sticking out the back.

   I swear if my memory gets any worse, i'll be able to plan my own surprise party.

   Snooki has given birth. This can only mean one thing to the cast of Jersey Shore: placenta shots!

   The speed of a movie loading on Netflix is approximately three sandwiches.

   wants to be the very best, like no-one ever was

   I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.

   Watching the RNC, I find it quite ironic that Romney is wearing flip-flops.

   will now destroy a little piece of everyone's childhood by pointing out that "The Banana Splits" were the ORIGINAL furries

   Remember ladies, you can be anything you want, like a Doctor's nurse, a lawyer's clerk or the President of the US………..Shoppers Association.

   Danggggit! Lets just put Louisana on Craiglist! Maybe the French can buy it back.

   Sees you just vacuumed the floor. Opens up a Nature Valley bar.