Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You never realise how boring life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.

   Sometimes I'll jerk off on a dozen eggs just to give my sperm a false sense of hope.

   I always carry a knife. Because I believe in cutting-edge technology.

   Okay so I meet this woman. Deb Bowen. The first thing she says is that she's not high maintenance. I ask, "How so?" She goes, "I prefer Cool Whip over Whipped Cream."

   MyWife: Remove my dress..Good.. Now slowly unhook my bra.. Nice..Take off my panties.. Mmm great......NOW DON'T EVER WEAR MY CLOTHES AGAIN!

   If you are single don't worry. Someone will come around shortly to totally mess that up.

   I haven't had to use cond0ms in almost 15 years. Now that I am divorced and single, that'll have to change. Where do I get them? Do I need a prescription?

   I wonder what you are doing when you are not too busy running around naked in my dreams.

   My beard is the welcome mat to my face.

   "BasketBall Wives" = A bunch of ungrateful hoes.

   I decided to get in touch with my feminine side today. I made myself a sandwich.

   Before updating my status l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

   crazy woman on the train claiming Jesus was coming back, so I stood up and said, "yes, I am back and you are a sinner". She really freaked out when I started baptizing her with my water bottle.

   Great move NASA, let's blast Will.I.Am's music into space. That will definately let every alien nation know we are intelligent. Throw in some Beiber while your at it.

   Boys, if you don't look like Calvin Klein models, don't expect us to look like Victoria's Secret Angels.

   BEST ADVICE: Stick to One-Night-Stands, The biggest cause of marriage is dating.

   I remember in 1st grade, if you were the line leader you were the s$it!

   Being nice to the people you don't like isn't called 2 faced, its called growing up.

   For all of those that think alcohol is a problem... according to Chemistry: Alcohol is a solution. Thanks science!

   Starbucks really knows how to put the "fee" in coffee.