Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I'm emotionally constipated, cause I haven't given a sh!t in days.

   I noticed my wife slip a box of headache tablets into her handbag before she left the house this morning. At least I know she's not cheating on me.

   I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.

   I was having s3x with my wife and stopped and asked, "Did I hurt you?" "No. Why do you think you hurt me?" "Because you moved."

   I'm not saying my ex was frigid, but to put it in computer terms, I would call her a "pop-up blocker"

   What's the diffence between my wife and our dog? You have to command the dog to 'play dead'. The wife automatically does it when she hears stairs creaking.

   I told the wife earlier that I wanted a sex change. From no sex, to actually having some.

   Just because something is meant for kids doesn't mean it won't be amusing for adults. B00bs are a great example of this.

   Phoned up my neighbour this morning to tell him that his Pekingese made a big mess in my front yard. Also, that he owes me a new lawn mower blade.

   My girlfriend has been trying out her new schoolgirl outfit I brought her earlier today. Which is a shame........Can't believe she's back to school on Monday already.

   I'm surprised more workplace violence isn't motivated by the vending machine's refusal to accept a dollar bill.

   According to my employee handbook I am only required to show up sober. There is nothing saying I can't start drinking once I get here...take that HR lady

   A girl told me today "a lot of guys want me" I told her " that doesn't surprise me, keep in mind honey that cheap things usually attract many customers"

   I was just brushing my teeth and putting on deodorant when out of nowhere I hear "you're gonna have to pay for that"...this walmart sucks!

   These teens moms, calling themselves a mother because they gave birth is like calling me a doctor, because I own Band-aids.

   Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write to people and pray they cash them at the teller just to make things interesting...

   Booze may be a man's worst enemy… but only a coward runs from his enemy.

   If you want to drink all day, you've got to start in the morning.

   I bet koala farts smell like cough drops.

   I was going to post a status about pizza but it was too cheezy