Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An apple a day takes a billion dollars away

   Tell her you love her hair, her eyes, the way she wrinkles her nose...and get laid this weekend.

   Someone called me selfish and then paused as if they expected me to argue.

   My wife hates it when I drink. Or breathe.

   A good head on HIS shoulders will open doors. Great head on HER knees will open every single door.

   My american dream is to live off medicaid, welfare and food stamps.. then I can spend all day on facebook ;)

   I loveee how my iPhone looks without a case but it's too risky......

   Finally loses virginity. 3 more years left in prison.

   I'm making a bucket list, Some of the girls on my friends list are on it

   Somewhere in Kenya, a village is missing it's idiot

   Jersey Shore just got cancelled. Clearly an act of God. Your move, atheists.

   playing a game of pool with Prince Harry and some photographer from a tabloid newspaper. wish me luck

   If you can't be with the one you love, throw yourself into oncoming traffic

   Glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 10:00 AM on a Saturday.

   I bet deaf people get really confused when they talk to someone who is applying hand lotion...

   I always sit backwards on the toilet...got to have a place to sit my cereal!!! most important meal of the day ya know.

   Eminem is the only man in the world who could make fun of Taylor Swift without her writing a song about it."

   Sometimes I wish my life was more like a comedy and less like a drama

   Once they invent a vibrator that can also kill spiders, a lot of us are gonna haveta find a new place to live ツ

   Irony: Speed Dating at a Star Trek convention with the disclaimer “No Weirdos” on your profile