Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dreamed I had sex with my ex last night. I swear she ruins everything.

   Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?

   All women have at least one pair of jeans in their closet that's trying to kill them.

   Why don't television shows say, "You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?"

   You know what's worse than your tribal tattoo? The story about why you got it.

   After a long weekend without your phone, you learn what's really important in life. Your phone.

   Because I'm a rule-breaker, I'm going to wear white after Labor Day! What!? You got something to say about it, punk??!

   Naked breakfast on the couch watching my shows. Gangsta's paradise.

   When someone calls shotgun I yell Rosa Parks and sit in the seat and refuse to move.

   Waking up this morning was a stupid idea.

   I am at DEFCON 5. My espresson machine has died..........

   Lance, Neil and now, Billie Joe!! Watch out Stretch!!!

   Picking a wedding reception venue is a lot like picking a college - I'm looking for a good place to drink, hang out with my friends and get laid

   If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest "saggy pants", KNEES TO CHEST!

   People are made to be loved and things are made to be used. The confusion of this world is that people are used and things are loved.

   Most Paralympic competitors get involved in their sport by accident.

   Me and my friends were once in a band called 'Pubic Hair.' We were big in the 70's.

   My girlfriend can't wrestle, but you should see her box.

   Facebook: Making relationship's look better then they actually are since 2005

   If I had a nickel for every time I banged your mom I could afford to bang her again today.