Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend calls it selective hearing. I prefer to call it drama filtering.

   After visiting a nursing home I always come home and pray I'm eaten by bears...

   Anyone that uses the word yolo I hope gets aid and herpes and dies a slow painful death

   I have over 500 FB friends but only 6 actual friends. And, I don't even like 2 of them…

   "Hey baby, do you smell that?" "No." "Me neither, start cooking."

   Guys with unibrows, you may think it's unmanly to pluck that sh!t, but it's far more unmanly to never get laid.

   When I visit a friend who greets me with "make yourself at home", I kick him out of the house because I hate visitors.

   To all the pregnant women out there, this is your day. Happy Labor Day!

   I like long walks on hot coals and picnics in the ghetto because I'm a thrill seeker.

   Treat her like a lady and she'll show you her inner slut.

   If at first you don't succeed, get her drunk.

   I didn't know what love meant... until I looked it up in the dictionary

   Every now and then I like to do a complete check of my financial situation. Yep, still nothin'.

   Can you just have a will that says, "It's all hers." because it was anyway.

   We had a good thing going until you made it real.

   I don't need your permission to correct you if you're wrong.

   I like you, even though you raise all kinds of red flags.

   I've got money left over for condoms or lottery tickets. I'm trying to calculate the odds.

   Labor day this year has been canceled, because people that are with out jobs have forgotten what it's like to have to go to work.

   The lap of luxury is comfortable, but the arms of delusion are snug.