Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She choked.

   well dip me in chocolate and call me the president .

   The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

   Hey Starbucks. If you gotta name your drinks with stupid language, don't roll your eyes when I order a gitchy gitchy yaya yaya mocha choca latte ya ya

   .... SEAL Team 6 Killed the bearded one ..... let's get that straight .... once and for all!!!!!

   ..... Geez ...... those movie critics in the Middle East are a tough crowd....

   Today, I had my girlfriend over to meet my parents. After dinner, we were in the living room talking. My dad thought it would be funny to grab our cat, stick it down his shirt, then pretend to give birth to it, with sound effects.

   Just saw 2 homeless guys hitting each other with pieces of cardboard.....PILLOW FIGHT

   If you're easy to get, then you're easy to forget.

   We text 24/7, but when we meet, it's so awkward.

   Mistakes are meant for learning, not repeating!

   What doesn't kill you, leaves you alive for something else that will.

   I love when my boss catches me actually doing work.

   Trust me, as you get to know me, I just get weirder.

   If Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black were drowning and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

   Unfriended me? Wow, you sure showed m

   We all have that ONE friend who checks in on Facebook when he is at Hooters and doesn't post pics.... Yeah..... Screw that guy.

   My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.

   I know a lot of midget jokes, I'm afraid they will come back to bite me in the ass.

   How about they make a film that makes these ppl give us free oil?