Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jesus would have made a great lifeguard.

   I give my dogs human names so when people ask who I drank with last night I don't sound like so much of an alcoholic.

   The day Rick Ross jumps into the crowd will be the day we find out who his LOYAL fans are.

   'You always make mistakes with your first one.' - True of children and marriages.

   If you use the phrase tig ol' bitties with any seriousness, I'm certain that your ancestors weren't happy with how the Civil War turned out.

   If I were a pirate I'd skip the skulls and crossbones, and bedazzle a Hello Kitty themed boat. I'd never get caught, cause nobody would admit I robbed them.

   GOING CHEAP,!!! all docking stations for iphone 4,,,

   I think there are too many psychic mediums and not enough psychic extra larges..

   Saying "with all due respect" lends gravitas to the massive pile of disrespect you're about to lay down.

   Those Cialis dudes get turned on when they see really bad acting

   I shall judge you based upon my personal demons against an unattainable standard while belittling you for not living up to my expectations.

   Ladies; He may need a soft place to land when he falls, but it helps if that soft place is also tight and wet.

   In case any ladies are interested, I just finished cleaning the dishes.

   It's not "honey boo boo" it's "honey moo moo" it's fat got some mad cow disease so let's take it out back and kill it!

   The best conversations happen late at night.

   Nobody cleans a house faster than a guy expecting to get laid.

   Quick question: does anyone know if the “five second rule” also applies to liquids?

   I don't usually talk to people who use the words "SWAG," or "YOLO." But when I do, I order a large fry.

   ..... WOW ..... I just found my pet rock my father gave me back in the 70's ...... Amazingly enough it was STILL ALIVE!!!

   The president of Pepsi announced that he is leaving the company after less than a year on the job. The company isn't sure but they think he might have a Coke problem.