Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't hump Christina Ricci today, then you're doing Wednesday wrong.

   To connect with Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and end up slipping on it.

   "I wish Ted would just tell his poor kids how he met they're mother!!!"

   Scientists discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 95% . . . wedding cake-

   Sometimes wish that I was a kitchen, then maybe women would understand me.

   dressed up as the Grim Reaper and gone back and forth through the emergency room.

   Just heard that "lesbian" is no longer acceptable terminology. They are to now be called "vagitarians" ... and now you know.

   Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulder and I think to myself...holy crap some of you are fat, lose some weight or something.

   I won't laugh in the face of danger but I will stick my my tongue out at the back of it's head...

   Gee! There's a string in there!!!..... and thus a new style of underwear was named....

   I am thinking about going back to college to further my education. Just don't know if I am gonna fit into the stripper clothes I am gonna need to be able to pay for it.

   If there's any indication of my laziness... just ask the dime in my wash machine, that used to be a quarter.

   Alchohol: Because you have never heard a great story start with, "I once ate this salad..."

   You ladies lied to me. Showing more thigh and accentuating my cleavage got me a trip to the HR office not a raise.

   Am I the only one who wonders if the term "dipsh*t" came from a fondue party gone horribly awry?

   you can learn alot from health Channel news. Just found out teens are now smoking nutmeg spice, potpouri, and incense as a subtitute for weed. Wondering if there's a business opportunity here....

   I dont care what women say, size matters in bed.The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.

   I would've gotten away with it too if it wasn't for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

   Someone tell Doctor Ruth, pass the me the beer and alcohol!

   This joke was sent from the iPhone 5 I'll be buying in a few months using Apple's new 'Time Travel' feature.