Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know what's really beautiful about a beautiful day? ALCOHOL!

   Quick, die! I'll explain later.

   Men brag about going to the gym to let everyone know they've got a six pack. Women brag about going to the gym to let everyone know they're losing weight

   How in the hell do Chinese people see when they're high?

   I told her dried semen was a lot easier to get out than fresh but she still wanted a towel...well I guess it was in her eyes.

   Pregnant women look so happy. It's like they don't even know what's going to happen.

   Man: What would you do if I win the lotto? Wife: I will take half and leave you! Man: Here is your $7 now F off

   Pu$$y is the most expensive food in the world. And sometimes you pay and still you don't eat.

   Be with someone you hide nothing from.

   Google is defiently female, because it has an answer for everything!

   Before lying to me, ask yourself this: when was the last time an ax was held over my head?

   Those dudes who enter air guitar competitions must get mad air pu$$y.

   My wife said "Good morning " and that's how the fight started.

   If I ever start a team, I'm going to name it "Each Other Off"...That way when we loose a game, the other players will have to tell people they "beat each other off last night"!!!

   When a woman says "the girls" I automatically assume she is talking about her boobs, not her actual friends.

   Allow me to ignore your existence while you are in a crappy mood.

   Every month I pretend to have a pregnancy scare. It's better than admitting to myself that I don't get laid.

   I had a dream last night that everyone I loved abandoned me. Morgan Freeman was there too. Man. That guy's in everything.

   Everyone remembers that we were attacked, but few remember why.

   All my Nieces are Brilliant and Beautiful and obviously take after their aunt!