Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love being in that mood where everything is hilarious!

   Don't tell secrets near a grape vine.

   Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?

   I put a moron filter to screen my Facebook news feed... Now I only see 5 statuses a day... :(

   I joined the Adopt-a-Highway program, I got the road to now where....

   before the letters FDNY became a fashion statement on hats, it was worn on the back of brave dudes with mustaches, NEVER FORGET 9/11

   Pubs are not a good place to bring your kids. That's why I lock mine in the car.

   I propose a rule where girls under 18 must wear a big red tag with their age in bold print...especially in warmer months.

   Does anyone else worry that when you doodle, youll accidently scrawl an arcane symbol in a dead language and summon a demon from the netherworld? No? Just me then..

   "All gave some, and some gave all" Remember 9/11......

   Dear Lord please help me be strong enough not to share my political views on Facebook so I do not offend half the people I know. Amen. There I said it. Go Broncos!!!!

   Self esteem doesn't come from a bottle. Of course not, you pour it into a glass.

   Kim Kardashian says her divorce was like beating cancer. In archived footage, Kim can be seen beating and blowing a 12 inch cancer.

   I don't always eat breakfast naked, but when I do, I get escorted out of IHOP really quickly......

   Women who are addicted to sex are called 'nymphomaniacs', while men who are addicted to sex are called 'men.

   I'll believe self-help books work when I see a bunch of them on a sane person's bookshelf.

   I'm writing a thanksgiving cookbook called "50 shades of gravy."

   I take some pride in the fact that I don't need football season to be a terrible husband.

   It's fun to go up to a dude with a teardrop tattoo and call him a crybaby.

   This one time at band camp.... I put a flute in its proper storage compartment.