Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Worst part about having an iPhone or any other smart phone for that matter is when you get mad you can't slam the phone

   I love the stick figure family's on your car windows they let me know how many garbage bags to bring to the murder.

   My ideal job would be "Guy in infomercial who is legitimately baffled by simple, everyday tasks."

   If you allow your children to run around a restaurant unattended, and I am in that restaurant, I will teach them curse words and racial slurs.

   If you don't hump Christina Ricci today, then you're doing Wednesday wrong.

   To connect with Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and end up slipping on it.

   "I wish Ted would just tell his poor kids how he met they're mother!!!"

   Scientists discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 95% . . . wedding cake-

   Sometimes wish that I was a kitchen, then maybe women would understand me.

   dressed up as the Grim Reaper and gone back and forth through the emergency room.

   Just heard that "lesbian" is no longer acceptable terminology. They are to now be called "vagitarians" ... and now you know.

   Sometimes I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulder and I think to myself...holy crap some of you are fat, lose some weight or something.

   I won't laugh in the face of danger but I will stick my my tongue out at the back of it's head...

   Gee! There's a string in there!!!..... and thus a new style of underwear was named....

   I am thinking about going back to college to further my education. Just don't know if I am gonna fit into the stripper clothes I am gonna need to be able to pay for it.

   If there's any indication of my laziness... just ask the dime in my wash machine, that used to be a quarter.

   Alchohol: Because you have never heard a great story start with, "I once ate this salad..."

   You ladies lied to me. Showing more thigh and accentuating my cleavage got me a trip to the HR office not a raise.

   Am I the only one who wonders if the term "dipsh*t" came from a fondue party gone horribly awry?

   you can learn alot from health Channel news. Just found out teens are now smoking nutmeg spice, potpouri, and incense as a subtitute for weed. Wondering if there's a business opportunity here....