Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm taking my kids to see their mother today. Actually, we're going to feed some ducks but I'm sure her rotting body is still in that pond.

   I once peed a girl's name in the snow, so don't tell me I don't know romance.

   I have no idea how to get off the internet...

   Sometimes I want to linger in your mouth like an expensive liquor and sometimes I want you to slam me down like a cheap shot.

   I really cant walk the walk or talk the talk. But if you need someone to drink the drink, I am your girl.

   Hell hath no fury like a woman mad for no particular reason...

   my wife told me to dress nice. I laughed and said "we are going to walmart not church."

   I was proud of myself. I made it to 5 minutes into the p0rn video before I finished.... then I remembered that I fast forwarded to 4 minutes in.

   Spending quality time with the people that really matter reminds me of who I am and recharges my love, hope and drive. I'm forever grateful.

   I was wrapped so tight in my sleeping bag I turned into a butterfly.

   Doing a self breast exam. All I'm getting is a hard nipple. So I'm good right?

   With their elegance and confidence women truly are beautiful creatures...and if the opportunity was right I'd bang every single one of them.

   I'll be the sinner if you be the sin.

   After two divorces, I think I've found the key to a successful marriage. Don't marry a c unt.

   I would definitely arch my back for you.

   This whisky tastes like memories. Bitter memories.

   We scream at each other, we don't have sex and I'm always in trouble for the crap I didn't do. This isn't a friendship. .This is a marriage!

   I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!

   My wife wants me to teach her about Facebook. The first lesson is easy. You send me a friend request, I accept and immediately delete and block you and we all live happily ever after.

   Asleep, it's what my wife is while I am having sex.