Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Quick question: does anyone know if the “five second rule” also applies to liquids?

   I don't usually talk to people who use the words "SWAG," or "YOLO." But when I do, I order a large fry.

   ..... WOW ..... I just found my pet rock my father gave me back in the 70's ...... Amazingly enough it was STILL ALIVE!!!

   The president of Pepsi announced that he is leaving the company after less than a year on the job. The company isn't sure but they think he might have a Coke problem.

   The company that made the Tupac hologram is filing for bankruptcy. The announcement was made by a company spokesperson — Elvis Presley.

   Ask your wife if she's done talking,,,, and you've just GUARANTEED she's not..... Ask me how I know,,,,

   I think we should replace the Marriage vow "`Til death do we part" with "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

   It's not good music unless your parents AND your kids hate it

   How to kill a Spider: Get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

   If I text you all like.. "heyy :)" and you reply with "hi", I'm done taking to you..

   Over time you start noticing that some people just aren't worth it anymore.

   My past is my past, it made me who I am, I have no regrets, wouldn't change a thing. I just don't live there anymore.

   The new iPhone 5 will totally revolutionize the way I send all of your calls straight to voicemail.

   Opposites attract, that's the trouble with being awesome

   Dear kids TV networks: if you want more kids to watch, just show the inside of a pantry or fridge…

   i think my teachers were lies ....they said "A for Apple".....the iphone just keeps repeating itself

   I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.

   "My Uncle Jennifer is going to be on Jerry Springer tomorrow!"

   "WARNING"..This Status may be copied for quality and training purposes

   I spent $100 at the grocery store and there still isn't anything to eat in my house