Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are two types of people in this world: People who like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups...and complete and utter monsters.

   Just spent 5 minutes looking for the like button in an email....

   I wanted to put my hair in a bun,, but the hairdresser was all out of sourdough... (giant cane trys to pull me off stage,, but I backflip over it)

   Ever notice the bleeped out every word R2D2 said in Star Wars?

   I guess someone hacked in and changed the format...

   "What have I done?!!.... EVERYBODY RUN !!" -Creator of the boomerang

   If you dont like being a door mat....then get off the floor

   What do the Chinese call a 69? Twocanchew

   Ouija boards were the first touchscreens

   Any Woman that keeps her Kid from they Father is a Dead Beat mother too!!!

   "went from being single" to "being single like a boss".

   Whoa! I just took a big, stinky Muhammad. Luckily, I've got a nice, porous Koran to wipe my arse with

   Irony - Getting your girlfriend pregnant on a pull out couch!

   according to my wife, the only time I've ever been right was when I said I was wrong...

   Wondering, Don't you idiot Desert Dwellers realize Americans are watching Football today and could give a $hit less about your protest.. @wasteofenergy

   Advice of the day: Don't go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it's not Halloween

   Remember when we needed to look up a word, we had to go thru a dictionary, like the book form, not Google. What the fck was that all about?

   Ladies, leave the football related posts to us boys and we'll leave the laundry posts for you...

   If Bobby Boucher's mama is right about football bein the devil then a lot of us are going to hell :P

   Next time someone gives you a business card, stick it in your mouth and eat it without breaking off eye contact