Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We now have proof that Osama Bin Laden is definitely dead! He showed up on the voter registry as a Democrat in Chicago.

   Monica Lewinsky is writing a tell-all book. I bet it's going to suck.

   That's all over the second we ride up ... troy's bucket

   I have no problem with you speaking your mind,,, as long as you can do it with your mouth closed.

   If I had a child, I would name him Carlos, just for the years of personal enjoyment of saying "Not at the table Carlos!"

   It's called dignity, sweetie.. and you're not gonna find it on your knees in the men's room.

   Does it still count if we only went half black??

   Stupid people with their "hello's" and "how you doing sir's?" and "do you know how fast you were going's?"

   Kids are just the best drugs. 5 nights of no sleep and I'm dizzy, sweaty, blurry, confused and can't walk a straight line. Who wants some?

   Tim Burton and Johnny Depp should probably start seeing other people.

   I'm looking for someone with emotional baggage that complements mine.

   Well, Red Bull, I still don't have wings but I do have the inability to talk coherently and I'm vibrating so hard, I think I just came.

   Really busy morning at the office trying to substantiate the hypothesis that the less you work, the less work you attract.

   A British accent can make a conversation about Justin Bieber sound like they just fixed the economy.

   With all the crap you write, you should be surprised when you get followers not when you lose them.

   I'm not farting, I'm equalizing my internal pressure.

   It should be illegal to be up this early.

   The sooner you admit that you love me, the sooner I will stop spray painting my name in hearts on your car & leave you alone like all men.

   Just seen a mature dating site the photo has a woman with her chest thrusting out in a "provocative" manner , that's ok but the large tattoo of a tigers head emblazoned on the left one left me wondering"Just sayin"

   The movie "Ted" is just Stewie and Rupert grown up