Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After reading some of these jokes, I might have pulled something rolling my eyes.

   I may look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head I'm quite busy.

   "In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof."

   "You know what the only business experience Paul Ryan guy has? As a teenager he drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermoble. A Republican inside a wiener. Usually it's the other way around."

   I like the fact that you can see someone's location on their Facebook profile. Because It makes it easier for me to avoid them.

   I'm so fat, if I were convicted and sentenced to death, I'd get the Electric Couch.

   Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me..

   The ingrediant that mixes with sugar, spice, and everything nice to make little girls that can kick some ass.

   Just saw my first flying squirrel. It was on the road in front of my truck as it flew from under a tire, over the windshield and stuck the landing head first on the sidewalk. It was awesome!

   I don't use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.

   I started reading a book on S&M, but I got tied up and couldn't finish it

   Today I am WONDER WOMAN ... I will wrap my head and wrists in foil, stuff my Bra, hike up my grannie panties, and I will wonder.

   I tell you what, if any french publication decides to publish topless pictures of me someone will definitely be getting their @ss sued!

   The best part of being an adult is saying "Because I can" when your kid asks "Why are you doing that?".

   i received 10 tex messages for sex this morning which is usually cool but I had my wife's phone.

   Remember when the sentence "she wore a meat outfit on stage" would have been confusing & ridiculous? Oh, 2009...you were a simpler time.

   God traffic sucks today. So glad that 47 per cent of the people in this country don't even try otherwise traffic would be even worse!

   This girl just gave me her number but it's only 6 digits. I am not sure if she's playing games or just retarded.

   I was late for work this morning because there was a daddy long legs in my bathroom and thats where my work clothes were.

   I never knew what girls were like until Facebook.