Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   there are many things that will catch your eye but few will catch your heart

   Being a nice guy wasn't working for me so I converted to douche bagism.

   There are females getting ignored RIGHT NOW because football is back. Y'all will get the sidechick treatment all season. Keep ya head up tho

   laughter is the best medicine...unless you have diarrhea.

   I thought I met the girl of my dreams at the bar last night...until she said "hello" and sounded like that guy from the Allstate commercials! :/

   So they pay $1 million for commercials of starving kids but they can't feed them?

   We will probably never understand why girls fall madly in love with douchebags.

   Cougars: The younger women may have the energy, but they have the experience.

   Political opinions are like buttholes, everyone has one and no one wants to hear it.

   The words that make you remember every bad thing you've ever done in your life = "I need to talk to you."

   I can't believe they're holding off until Christmas for the M̶c̶D̶e̶a̶t̶h̶ McRib this season.....What better time of year for your McBowels to get the McMoves like McJagger and ruin your holiday?!

   Why the f$ck are you driving under the speed limit when you were in such a hurry to pull out in front of me?

   Justin Bieber is the Brand Ambassador of sanitary pads.

   Kurt Cobain shot himself one month after Justin Bieber was born.

   You know I mean business when I spin my phone keyboard into landscape mode.

   Fun word of the day... Tittysprinkles!!!

   I hate how after an argument I think of more clever things I should have said...

   Keep NFL Straight Footballl!!!!

   I'm an okay dancer until I whip out the finger guns, then I'm just majestic.

   being home all day with my kids don't affect me at all. Now let me go tinkle on the potty before we go bye-bye to din-din I'm so hun-gee!