Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   there is no strong beer, only weak men

   I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

   BLOW JOB!!!!!!! BLOW JOB!!!!!!!!! Now that I have your attention does anyone know the universal remote code for a Samsung flat screen?

   A fun way to freak out a friend who's engaged is to suddenly take her fiancé's last name & then tag yourself in all of her Facebook photos.

   The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.

   Friends are just people I hate marginally less than everyone else.

   Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.

   Ladies.. Yall had 7 months to get mentally prepared for Football Season. We dealt with yall Loser Wives shows all year!

   According to my horoscope, I'm going to get rich today. According to my Youtube comments, I'm a "douche." Life is confusing.

   Taco Bell sells tacos. Whataburger sells burgers. Chicken Express sells chicken. Panda Express are lying basta?ds!

   A woman said to me earlier....... "You're the most sarcastic bstard I know." I said, "Thanks....... That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

   Just found out my GF is pregnant. 50 likes and we keep it.

   Chicks piss on dudes all the time and call it squirting, so why was R. Kelly frowned upon...

   If I jumped out a plane and my parcute didn't work I would be so angry.

   The problem isn't government assistance for people who need it. The problem is government assistance for people just because they can get it.

   Mentally preparing yourself to step out of the shower during winter.

   I'm ready for hoodies, bonfires, cuddling, and the beautiful colors of fall.

   I miss being able to slam my phone shut when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.

   Relationship Advice: The person with the longest text message response time has the upper hand.

   Teacher asked the class to spell a 12 letter word! Kid Says: Masturbation! Teacher Says: WOW! That's a mouth full!?! Kids says: No! you're thinking of Blow Job.