Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's my birthday. Make me happy!

   I gave my friend the privacy he needed when talking to his girlfriend & now he's like "I could've died when you pushed me out of the car".

   I've run out of tampons, so i'm going to spend the next few days upside down.

   A horse walks into a bar. A chicken crosses the road. A lot of animals do things. It is not our place to judge.

   Ladies, how will we know you're going through a tough breakup if you're not clutching your coffee mug with both hands?

   Parents: Help you grow from a child to an adult.. Then they become your roommates and get mad when the rent is late..

   Due to your inability to put dishes in the dishwasher, I am diagnosing you with Dishleprophoia - Fear of being trapped inside a dishwasher...

   You never know what you have until you log off Facebook.

   ''If he doesn't hit you, he doesn't love you.'' - Rihanna

   I'm at a point in my life where I'm just at a point in my life. Something I would say if I was drunk in a bar called ''Point in My Life.''

   My left nipple is 3 minutes slower than my right at hardening.

   You are an absolutely amazingly wonderful person and I'm thoroughly frustrated at my inability to help you to recognize that fact.

   Iran has issued travel warnings against Canada. Oh no Iran, please don't slow down your lucrative travel industry to Canada.

   Not to be too braggy but I can put 72 m&m's in my mouth at once.. One went down my windpipe and I'm on my way to the ER now,,,,, but still.

   I'm only good at math when I'm adding insult to injury.

   I Just updated my will & left my entire estate to my friends here,,,, Good luck figuring out how to split up a half jar of Miracle Whip..

   I hear Internet Explorer 10 is going to allow you to download and install Firefox up to three times faster.

   You said "CALL ME!", but you didn't hold your pinky and thumb out and put it next to your ear, so I didn't take you seriously.

   Never heard ladies getting so excited about something that is only 4 inches long.... Well done iPhone5.

   republican read the story of "robin hood" backwards...they want to steal from the poor & give to the rich