Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies.. Yall had 7 months to get mentally prepared for Football Season. We dealt with yall Loser Wives shows all year!

   According to my horoscope, I'm going to get rich today. According to my Youtube comments, I'm a "douche." Life is confusing.

   Taco Bell sells tacos. Whataburger sells burgers. Chicken Express sells chicken. Panda Express are lying basta?ds!

   A woman said to me earlier....... "You're the most sarcastic bstard I know." I said, "Thanks....... That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

   Just found out my GF is pregnant. 50 likes and we keep it.

   Chicks piss on dudes all the time and call it squirting, so why was R. Kelly frowned upon...

   If I jumped out a plane and my parcute didn't work I would be so angry.

   The problem isn't government assistance for people who need it. The problem is government assistance for people just because they can get it.

   Mentally preparing yourself to step out of the shower during winter.

   I'm ready for hoodies, bonfires, cuddling, and the beautiful colors of fall.

   I miss being able to slam my phone shut when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.

   Relationship Advice: The person with the longest text message response time has the upper hand.

   Teacher asked the class to spell a 12 letter word! Kid Says: Masturbation! Teacher Says: WOW! That's a mouth full!?! Kids says: No! you're thinking of Blow Job.

   After reading some of these jokes, I might have pulled something rolling my eyes.

   I may look like I'm doing nothing, but in my head I'm quite busy.

   "In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof."

   "You know what the only business experience Paul Ryan guy has? As a teenager he drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermoble. A Republican inside a wiener. Usually it's the other way around."

   I like the fact that you can see someone's location on their Facebook profile. Because It makes it easier for me to avoid them.

   I'm so fat, if I were convicted and sentenced to death, I'd get the Electric Couch.

   Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me..