Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need hospital etiquette advice here guys. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?

   How a woman crosses her legs can say a lot about how she feels about you. For Example: If they're crossed over her head, she probably likes you

   If I ever become a serial killer I'll probably be known as The "I SAID NO PICKLES, B ITCH" Drive-Thru Strangler.

   A man skilled at breaking his urine flow will be equally skilled at holding his ejaculation... I dunno, I really just make this s hit up.

   People hate pigeons because "they are dirty and spread diseases" but the Kardashians and the cast of Jersey Shore do it and pigeons don't hate them....just sayin

   If they made Siri a man's voice I'd trust the directions more.

   It makes me sad to think there are people in this world who have a favorite Kardashian.

   Everyone at this Walgreens is acting like I'm the only person to ever scream out their safe word while getting a flu shot.

   When I'm alone my right hand starts to freak out..Im Sexy And I No It!

   Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."

   When I say, "No problem," I mean, "YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOUR FOREVER."

   wondering if the new iphone 5 comes with some kind of food stamp app

   a Google girlfriend....im always searching for her :(

   Im just going to assume that food stamps come with an Iphone, new airmaxes, and rims for the cadillac they give you.

   If my girlfriend falls on the floor, does the 3 second rule still apply?

   If people hate you for no reason, give them one.

   As soon as the regular officials screw up a call, we will be booing them. I wish we paid am much attention to the presidential election as we did the nfl refs.

   An Alligator bit off an 81 year old women's arm in Florida, I guess 81years without getting your arm bitten off is a pretty good effort...

   **News Flash** The real NFL refs will be back on the field tonight for the Browns/Ravens game. In other news, Footlocker hired a bunch of people and are now fully staffed again.

   Your third grade spelling is what really made me laugh!