Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Dr told me to start my exercise program slowly, so today I drove past a store that sells sweatpants..

   *Current state of the NFL*....After further review, the runner did not touch second base. Touchdown Lakers..

   I can't wait until next weekend's episode of the best reality show on tv... So You Think You Can Ref...

   Grammar died so that Facebook could live.

   If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

   Do you think I'm AWESOME? (a) Yes (b) a (c) b

   I once dated a guy named Dave who hated to be called David. Then, I dated a guy named John, who really hated to be called David.

   Dyslexic zombies crave Brians.

   unappreciated and taken for granted

   there is always someone in the gym shower that thinks she is in a herbal essence shampoo commercial!!

   Only those who dare to fall in love will grow a lot wiser.

   aaron roger and the nfl, how do you like those discount double check refs? signed the real nfl officiating crews

   Dogs and cats are so lucky they can use their tongues on themselves

   Failing a suicide attempt makes you a failure at both life and death.

   If it burns when I pee that just means someone's thinking about my junk right? RIGHT!? GUYS SERIOUSLY

   They key to forgiving somebody is to remember that sometimes, you're an a$$hole, too.

   Save it for someone who's sober and cares.

   I'm like a moth to a beer.

   If airplane windows don't roll down, how does the pilot stick his head out the window to make sure his dog is okay?

   Romney thinks he should be able to pull up to other Gulfstreams, roll down window and ask for Grey Poupon