Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never operate electrical equipment under the influence, except for guitars and amplifiers because that s hit will sound great.

   Might be time for some therapy when the only thing holding you back from being a drug dealer is the fact that you're "not a people person".

   A friend got mugged coming out of K-Mart and is devastated. I feel the same way because I had no idea I knew people that shopped there.

   I hate when people say 'I'm a vegetarian except for fish.' Right, and I'm a virgin except for all that sex I had.

   Weirdos seem to be drawn to me and if I let my guard down for just a moment, I get stuck with some idiot telling me their life story.

   I'm silent by default but put me with someone I'm comfortable with and I'll never shut up.

   You can make a lot of friends with a prescription pad.

   I put the you in murder!

   Ran into a PETA nut while walking my dogs. He said my dogs were my slaves. Wonder if he noticed I'm the one carrying their poop in a bag?

   You haven't seen rage until you've witnessed a woman rip another woman's wig off.

   In order to raise awareness of Alzheimer's Disease, I will be randomly deleting people from my facebook.

   The mullet is just a helmet for domestic violence.

   When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I'm enjoying it.

   The key to forgiving somebody is to remember that not everyone is perfect like you.

   RIP Andy Williams. Cross the pearly gates in style...

   that if I'm n line I don't climb up the person's ass in front of me. Relax. It's a line you impatient pricks.

   In a public restroom I found a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink so I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match with it

   My signature move has been foiled by carpal tunnel and tennis elbow.

   You know that song... You give love a bad name...Pretty sure that was meant for me.

   I'm so good in bed...I'll make you forget your safe word.