Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I finally understand it, airplane windows should open so you can let the stench out.

   Bacon shortage? Can't we just sacrifice Rosie Odonnell and fix it?

   So the Kanye West sex tape has been leaked... It's just footage of Kanye wanking while looking at his own reflection in a mirror.

   c[_] see that... It's my care cup... And it's kinda empty -.-

   Your cries for attention are like a car alarm at 2 o'clock in the morning.People only notice it because it's annoying.

   Women always say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my McDonald's outfit no one will even talk to me

   ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you

   1 rule as a Realtor. Find clients budget and only show them homes priced 50k higher…

   Blah, blah blah... Blah, blah, blah... Allah, Blah, blah blah... Blah, blah, blah... Blah, blah blah... Blah, blah, blah... Allah, Blah, blah blah... Blah, blah, blah... Blah, blah blah... Blah, blah, blah... BLAH! - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

   nothing screams "loser" like a wedding ring tat from your 3rd marriage...

   ugh...so much for my iphone 4 neck tattoo.

   POF may say it short for Plenty of Fish, but I'm pretty sure it's Plenty of Fatties…

   When I go to a restaurant alone, I always ask for separate checks.

   You can tell a lot about someone by the swastika they've carved into their forehead.

   A stranger accidentally touched my arm today and now I have to get drunk to forget about it.

   Never operate electrical equipment under the influence, except for guitars and amplifiers because that s hit will sound great.

   Might be time for some therapy when the only thing holding you back from being a drug dealer is the fact that you're "not a people person".

   A friend got mugged coming out of K-Mart and is devastated. I feel the same way because I had no idea I knew people that shopped there.

   I hate when people say 'I'm a vegetarian except for fish.' Right, and I'm a virgin except for all that sex I had.

   Weirdos seem to be drawn to me and if I let my guard down for just a moment, I get stuck with some idiot telling me their life story.