santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   The average age of the viewing audience of "A Charlie Brown Christmas" is probably 35-45 years old.

   I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors.

   You know it was a good christmas party when the next morning you wake up with tinsel in your ass.

   I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beer.

   Memo from Santa: Due to the rising cost of coal, this year people on the naughty list will be receiving Nickelback CDs.

   I went to Jared for my girlfriend's Christmas gift. I'm sure she will love her Subway gift card.

   'twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming... Just cuz I went into the wrong house

   Setting here wrapping presents with one hand. If someone finds a band aid in theirs Don't touch it, I'm still waiting on them test results.

   I really hope that I don't get another sweater for Christmas. I'd much prefer a moaner or a screamer....

   Pffft. The liquor store clerk just wished me a Merry Christmas as if he wasn't going to see me 14 more times before then...

   Santa Clause said to support gays. Now what am I gonna do? My two favorite omni-present imaginary dieties are contradicting eachother!

   Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone's front porch.

   Santa is a Republican 1. He sits on his butt all year long. 2. He has other people do all the hard work. 3. He then takes credit for giving away all the free stuff they made.

   I don't always cut down a fresh Christmas tree..but when I do, I pick the best one in my neighbors yard.

   Just remember this holiday season, if you say "May you kiss may ass" really fast... it will sound just like "Merry Christmas"!!!

   Santa is a Democrat: 1. He sits on his butt all year long. 2. He has other people do all the hard work. 3. He then takes credit for giving away all the free stuff they made.

   All I want for Christmas is you... Just kidding I want Money

   I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me 'Will you be putting it up yourself?' I told him, 'No, you sicko, it's going in the living room!'

   Duck Commander releases new pen*s shape duck call just in time for the holidays.

   I was going to buy you a Christmas gift, until I Got High!