Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fat lady hops on an exercycle next to me, she says, "I'm here to lose weight." Me: "And you waited 'til the last min, didn't you?"

   Don't like tipping bathroom attendants for merely handing me a towel. Maybe if he performed a service like wiping my ass I'd consider it.

   The first rule of Marriage Club is there will be a million new rules once you join Marriage Club.

   Sometimes you can look deep into someone's eyes and you can tell they want you…to stop holding them underwater.

   Sorry, but I have to sleep with a girl before I can think of having a relationship with her. Because if she snores, forget it

   If love is a battlefield, and love is also blind, it makes sense why the outcome is always a huge disaster.

   Playing with my hair will get you anything you want.

   If there's one thing I've learned, it's that I'll never learn

   Too many men try to extinguish a woman's fire. If you feel her heat, don't bring water, bring gasoline.

   Honey Boo Boo's mother has a boyfriend and you're single. Just let that sink in..

   It's easier to look for one's inner beauty when the person isn't covered in ugliness.

   Just wrote my wedding vows, it says, "I'll love & respect you, for fear of the death penalty for murder." Incase anyone wants to propose...

   Ahhh, October. My favorite month, especially all the Halloween booze...

   She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

   You ever wonder why it's only women who need exorcisms?

   If you're going to have a posse, make sure they're clean shaven. Nobody likes a hairy posse.

   All panties are edible if you're hungry enough.

   You say "love means never having to say you're sorry" What I hear is that essentially your love is a narcissistic sociopathic minefield.

   I may not be right but I'm a beautiful piece of wrong.

   Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Of course, now your life will be shorter than it was yesterday. Way to waste yesterday, MORON!