Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   O Lord, give me the superpowers to change the things I cannot accept with serenity. ....Amen.

   My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

   Global Bacon shortage better be the first debate question tonight, and I WANT ANSWERS! No lies....

   You're so innocent. Let's fix that.

   Love is such a strong word But then again, so is C*NT

   would Anne Frank be famous if she had been a facebook user?

   Hey McDonalds, may I have some Coke with my ice?!

   OREOS: First you twist it, then you....oh, it broke : (

   Truth hurts...but not as much as getting fingered by Edward Scissorhands

   During tonight's debate i'm gonna stand at a podium in my living room and pretend i'm the candidate everyone ignores.

   I hear Justin Bieber's live vomit is much better than his studio vomit...

   Officer I'm not trying to be a jack ass but if you caught me speeding dosn't that mean you were speeding to?

   U may hate me for being a sarcastic b!+ch, but I'm the one who gets exactly what I want while ur still whining about it... (^_^)

   Hey! There's a new 90 minute comedy/variety show that starts tonight at 9pm! I believe it's called 'Fun with Mitt and Barack'... I don't know though, bet it gets cancelled after 3 shows...

   Body builders have a weird way of thanking someone for buying them a birthday gift. I gave this guy a bra & now I'm at the emergency room.

   Kristen Stewart is back with Robert Pattinson. She said "I can't express how sorry I am" but that was referring to her facial expressions.

   My favourite "The Addams Family" character is probably Lady Gaga.

   I don't understand the fuss about Justin Bieber puking on stage. It's normal. It happens to me every time he comes on the radio.

   Hey girls who cut their hair really short, you must have gotten fed up from guys throwing themselves at you which is why you chose to do it.

   Call me crazy but when a baby won't stop crying I ask its mom to spread her legs and I try to gently shove it back in her.