Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When your ex says "you'll never find someone like me" say "that's the point"

   When you're happy, you enjoy the music. But when you're sad, you understand the lyrics

   i dont drink. I dont do drugs. I dont even drink coffee. I do pills so its way different.

   Relationships are like drugs. They either kill you or give you the best feeling of your life.

   Tried submitting the 49ers vs Jets game to pornhub, but they don't allow r@pe

   went on a 9th date with a girl, we watched Batman. so far its been dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMANN!

   no clue what to do without some glue to sniff

   1+1=3 if you don't use a condom.

   bad sex is better than a good day at work!

   I'd marry a woman based on her ability to make gravy...

   Lindsay Lohan was attacked in NYC, but is still alive... Epic. Fail.

   I met a Spanish man with a Rubber toe......his name was Roberto

   If you love something,, let it go..... That's EXACTLY what I've done with my body....

   Today on Egypt news TV: Morgan Freeman reported as dead....... DNA discovers the missing link to Lazareth

   I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.

   Sad news. Morgan Freeman passed away again today. ..This is twice in two months

   O.K.,, I've got my bucket list.. Now what do I DO with all these buckets.

   I'm playing the Titanic drinking game. Every time you see someone dead you have a shot of vodka!

   69% of everything a guy reads, he finds something dirty in it.

   True Story: Seeing a car set on fire with no doors at 12 midnight outside your miami house window is a sure sign KuKluxKlan has been doing some recruiting.