Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 319 of 6383
Friend: I think I smell burnt toast Me: that’s awesome! You don’t have Covid
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12-08-2020 07:59
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when someone you thought looked great for 50 announces they’re 41 there is no way to unfurrow your brow in time
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12-08-2020 07:59
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I have a confession to make. When I was 9, I'd lick my arm and smell it.
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12-07-2020 19:05
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where do I sign to get microchipped and controlled by the government i'm tired of making my own decisions
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12-07-2020 13:58
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My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
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12-07-2020 13:54
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Thank you everyone ! In celebration of my birthday today - l will match any cash donations given to me.
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12-07-2020 11:27 by Smeebert
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For years my Wife only has sex with me on my birthday. But now she has Alzheimer's, so I tell her it is my birthday everyday.
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12-06-2020 11:30
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Selena: *Trying to Rest In Peace* Her parents: get up you got a gig 🤪🤦🏻🤣
The greatest comedians don't say funny things, they say things funny.
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12-05-2020 22:33 by Fazzy
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How many cuckold convervatives does it take to stop a dictator? Answer: None. They would rather sit at home and jerk off to one..
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12-05-2020 21:32 by Licentia
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Seeing how some people wear their masks, I now understand how contraceptives fail.
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12-05-2020 20:23
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Going outside to vacuum the driveway. I do this every so often... just to ensure the neighbors never talk to me...
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12-05-2020 10:08 by Gabe
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I'm going to my girlfriend's house to make mad, passionate love to her. Then have her fix us something to eat. That's what's meant by bed and breakfast, right?
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12-05-2020 07:21 by Fazzy
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Dropping my cheeseburger on the ground before I eat it is about as organic as I get
Do any of you - when you're in bed at night - pluck out your pubes and hold them up to the phone light then toss them on the floor?
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12-04-2020 21:13 by Keratin
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Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
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12-04-2020 14:05
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Last week, I tried to kill a spider with an entire can of cheap hairspray. No luck. It now smokes two packs a day, wears blue eye shadow, joined a bowling league and calls itself "Brenda."
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12-04-2020 09:54 by Fazzy
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its okay Christmas Tree. My lights don't come on either.
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12-04-2020 08:11
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Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
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12-04-2020 08:09
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In other news...the Seven Dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy.
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12-03-2020 18:39 by MMOH
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