Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Idiots are God's leftovers.

   Parents stop excusing your children's bad behavior! If you don't hold them accountable for their words and actions you're creating a$$holes of tomorrow.

   Anybody wanna go halfsies on a prostitute?

   I'm at my worst and most vulnerable when someone else is holding my phone.

   After all these years, my armpits have not moved, yet I still use a mirror to put on deodorant.

   If you dont sway side to side when listening to Stevie Wonder then we can't be friends.

   I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)

   When you were a kid there was nothing more satisfying as when you made the honking signal to the truck driver and he honked back

   Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself

   Only dead fish swim with the stream.

   When I leave a store without buying anything all I can think is “act natural, you're innocent”.

   They say "confidence" is the most attractive quality in a partner. But I'd have to say, "not banging my friends" would be a very close 2nd

   just heard a woodpecker call me a "paranoid weirdo" in morse code.

   Deciding whether to sit by the sweaty obese man or the woman with 1 year old triplets is kind of the Sohie's Choice of flying on Southwest.

   I bet I can stay drunk longer than you can complain about it.

   Make her the center of your world. Put her on a pedestal. Bend her over on said pedestal and pound her hard until she speaks in tongues.

   I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn't taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

   At some point in the day, Hugh Hefner has to think "God, shut up b itches!"

   Ladies; Love is giving him the remote...to your vibrator.

   Does that grudge come in all ages or is it one size fits all?