Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I watched 5 minutes of baseball earlier. As soon as I realized it wasn't Bull Durham, I changed channels.

   When I die I want the Cleveland browns to be my Pallbearers so they can let me down one last time

   When I give a new girl the tour of my place I like to open the basement door while whispering "thaaats where the maaaagic happens..."

   So, if I'm to believe Apple, my thumbs have grown half an inch and my ears changed shape since last year…

   I have come to the conclusion that you can post almost anything on Facebook and most people will automatically assume it to be factual. The odds of this are increased if the post is witty and is accompanied by a cute picture.

   I found out why my eyes are always watering during sex... It's the mace.

   You know a woman invented the tape measure, because no guy ever said "Hey, let's see how big this thing REALLY is"

   looking to trade a 9x13 Tupperware bowl for a 13x9 Tupperware bowl. The 9x13 is just to long to fit in my Microwave Oven.

   I was at my date's house and told her "I sure hope your couch pulls out, cause I don't."

   "Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan has to ride seven miles a day with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just a small donation of two dollars and we will send you the video its hilarious."

   Sence its started raining, all my wife has done is looking through the windows. If it gets any worse I'm gonna have to let her in!

   You would think that by now there would be rap battle re enactors.

   Redial; because hanging the phone up on you once isn't good enough...

   How am I supposed to make an educated decision when I dont know what the hell skinny tastes like!!!

   I may be a women but I sure do wish I had enough gentleman in me to pull off a monocle.

   After all this time,,,How much Foo is there really left to fight?

   What's black, white, has gills but flies and is available at book stores??.................I don't know, nothing probably, cuz that's ridiculous.

   If Couples That Are In Love Are Called "Love Birds", Then Couples Who Are Always Fighting And Arguing Should Be Called "Angry Birds"

   Hey Jessica Biel,,,,,,,,, Please,, Please,, Please,, name your kid Batmo

   So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn't for throwing at people who stress you out?