Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't understand Bill Clinton's surge in popularity....Didn't he leave office a dozen years ago as an impeached, disgraced, censured, lying, philandering 2 timing, womanizing, intern-humping, hillbilly?

   Cop: Can you explain 2 me why you were doing 87 in a 60 zone? Me: I was haulin a$$ home to watch "Cops".

   I watched a great puppet show last week. I think it was called The American Presidential debates or something

   There's always that one person you regret giving your number to.

   As it turns out, saying you worked out,,, Is MUCH easier than actually working out.

   I am The King of Sting & The Master of Disaster !

   I've got an Erection with a Direction .!.

   Mmmmm. . .pi.

   When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. - Clarence Darrow

   Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. - Nikita Khrushchev

   If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates - Jay Leno

   Wish MTV would make a show called "16 and mature"

   There's plenty of fish in the sea. Build an aquarium...

   30 years ago my wife got a tattoo of a horse head on her boob, it now looks like a giraffe

   She put me in the family zone, which would be cool if we were in Kentucky.

   I just seen a place advertising pink wipers. Personally, I don't care what color they are as long as they don't start gagging and call me disgusting like my last wiper did ツ

   Canada is the gay brother of English-speaking countries.

   If you're a chick who says “chivalry is dead” I hate to be the one to tell you, but its only dead for you because you're ugly.

   You can learn a lot about a person if you install a hidden camera in their bedroom.

   My back is killing me from picking up all these chicks.