Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?

   The most romantic thing I've ever done is get a girl's name tattooed on my grandpa.

   After he stops crying, can I try again, I promise I can juggle babies.

   when I run out of toilet paper i'll awkwardly sit there and hope the toilet paper gods on his way

   what do you call a bear with no teeth? a gummy bear

   I think it was suppose to be Honey Poo Poo instead of Honey boo boo. Because clearly thats where tv is headed, down the pooper.

   wondering if anyone knows of an easier way to get mothballs? So dang hard getting their little legs apart ;)

   hates how I run out of toilet paper.. but never out of poop

   I never bring a knife to a fight. I bring my brain. It's much sharper.

   Biden said what Ryan was saying is “malarkey” before getting in his horseless buggy to head home…

   I Just turn off FaceBook because I am bored... 10 minutes later I turn ON FaceBook because I am bored...

   Facebook: a place where people post passive aggressive things, rather than directly addressing the issue. If you think this is about you, well it probably is ;)

   Taylor Swift waved at a boy the other day but he didn't wave back.. So she's bringing a new album

   They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".

   The only thing more humiliating than taking a dump at your boyfriends house is asking him where the plunger is…

   loves a liquid lunch!!

   recently accused of being insensitive!! And I thought, how did this fat bit*h get her wheel chair up the stairs to my house?

   it beer thirty yet??

   keeping herself busy with coffee until it's time to get DRUNK :)

   Just turned on my TV to discover Joe Biden's teeth are now burned into the screen......