Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now accepting wagers as to which will be the faster and more prolific descent today: Felix Baumgartner space jump or the Buffalo Bills....

   Cortana dies at the end of Halo 4. There, I just saved you 6 hours of your life.

   Ladies, if he's wearing a hat in every picture; guess what's under that hat. Yep, nothing…

   Guys, if her FB is full of pictures but none of her; run, run like the wind…

   If you think 7 yrs is bad luck for breaking a mirror, try a broken condom!

   "Rawr" does NOT mean "I love you" in dinosaur. You ever seen Jurassic Park? It means, I'm going to eat you

   What does the Michael Jackson action figure have written on the back of the box? Not suitable for children. Colors may vary.

   give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate...

   My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it's because she's a big dumb stinkyhead that's jealous of my awesome Transformers collection

   I'm going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837.

   The doctor said I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle

   When the car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a bit so the cars behind me can see I'm not causing the traffic.

   Occasionally, I like to go to walmart, buy a jar of Vaseline, a cucumber and a Bottle of Gin and wink at the cashier

   I am so lazy that I don't even run in Grand theft auto

   If sober me won't do it...drunk me will.

   Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

   You would think these "self checkout" lanes at walmart would have a curtain or something....this is embarassing :-[

   What bores me is repetition, i.e. when people repeat themselves. It's boring and repetitive. Boring. Like repetitive posts. They bore me.

   Holy shi t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?

   If we're standing there kissing and my hands are in your pants, I'm what you'd call a sure thing.