Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wanna see new features on your TV that you never knew existed? Let a baby play with the remote for about 12 seconds.

   Auditioning for Animal Planet's new series, "I Shouldn't Be Awake."

   Felix proved one thing today: No matter how high you go... you will end up on earth!!

   Some bruises are worth it.

   Excuse me, is this s tatus taken?

   It's October and soon you'll see those orange round things with scary carved faces everywhere. That's right, the cast of Jersey Shore is on tour.

   If you are fighting and someone yells worldstar you better fight for your life

   Happy 35th, Atari 2600

   A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

   Sometimes reasoning with people is like a cat trying to bury a turd under a concrete tile floor!

   Abraham Lincoln was a badass vampire hunter too?? Why did I never learn about that in school?

   Give a man a gun he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the whole world

   What doesnt kill you......seriously disappoints me!

   ...... Congrats to Mr Baumgartner for breaking the sound barrier!!!! He's very lucky that the records were the only things that were broken!!!!

   Well, I watched the free fall but I couldn't even see him falling because his gigantic balls were in the way.

   50 Shades of Grey... the most sold erotic novel written by an ugly woman

   The only reason I run with scissors is because the person I'm trying to stab is usually running too.

   If being interrogated counts as talking to people then yes, I've been talking to people.

   I can tell within 19 seconds of meeting you if our sex is going to be consensual or not..

   If you sweat when you eat, does it count as exercise?