Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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After you kill somebody with kindness, is there a way to "discreetly dispose of the body with kindness"? 
When someone doesn't like the taste of peanut butter I question their loyalty to the United States.
You haven't experienced awkwardness and felt like a complete idiot until you try to tickle someone who isn't ticklish.
It's amazing how everyone is suddenly a political genius one month every 4 years.
The week has seven days: Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday, Friday, Saturday and preMonday.
Hmmmm.. Do you ever wonder if Nicki Minaj butt dials more than most people?..
In celebration of turning a year older, I'll be wearing my birthday suit all day.....so just make sure that's my HAND you're shaking at church tomorrow!
who wants leftover bacon....said no one ever
If you are an option, you are also an idiot
I'm voting for the first candidate that walks up to the podium in the next debate and does the "Vitameatavegamin" skit! HA!
oh your looking for a 'cuddle buddy'. Maybe if you took down your Duck Face, YOLO T-shirt wearing pics you'd have a better chance at finding one. No guy wants to cuddle with a Mallard that says YOLO.
I just dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b itches in tampon commercials.
We need change from change and we need it fast.
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
Boobs are the best hand warmers.
Redneck sext: when mom and dad leave You're all mines.
You had me at "tubes tied"
Forget about sexy, I am bringing good manners back!
Life's a garden. Bury your enemies in it. 