Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People: you've changed. Me- Well I couldn't stay a sperm forever.

   I wish judging other people burned calories!

   Hey guys who write updates about how all girls are beautiful and should be respected, did you figure it out on your own or did your boyfriend tell you??

   Syria has been bombing Turkey for a few days now. "We're probably next!" a frightened chicken cries.

   People who call you after you text them are the worst human beings since like Hitler.

   "I am ugly" - girls who want you to tell them they are pretty.

   There is no way in hell anyone could ever convince me that men with ponytails own a mirror.

   I hate getting out of the shower only to discover I have no real friends.

   Nice try, fat girls ordering a salad on the first date. Nice try.

   No one honked at me ever since I put a bumper sticker on the back of my car that says "Honk if you're a piece of shi t".

   it like illegal to make a movie scene where the people runaway from a bomb when there's more than 30 seconds left for the explosion?

   There is a 100% chance I will never be depressed again if I could get myself a pet Panda.

   I really want to attract a lot of girls this halloween. So I'm dressing up as a Nutella jar.

   Little kids and the elderly's underwear should come in only brown.

   TLC is getting so lazy with show titles... btw "My giant face tumor" is on tonight.

   Legend has it the "M" in MTV once stood for music.

   Where do I find these Binders full of women..............

   That's the third time I've showered with socks on....

   There are some real hearts that get broken by imaginary people and empty promises...so think before you blow that sunshine.

   If I rule the world first thing I'll do is add a extra day into the weekend right after Saturday.. It will be called Matterday... It won't matter what you do that day