Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am never more aware that I don't have boobs than when I'm paying for my own drink.

   Nothing shows over-familiarity like leaving just your socks on.

   If you call yourself hot, you're not

   I would rather lose you than lose myself.

   Scratch a cynic and you'll find a disappointed romantic.

   "How To Win Friends And Influence People On Facebook" Post pictures of dogs and cats.

   Light beer is for pregnant women and p ussies!

   Dear Tequila, Why do you make me so angry and so horny all at once?

   Men resolve a fight with a fist fight. Women resolve a fight with years of backstabbing, name calling, rumor spreading & social exclusion.

   I'm not stalking you. I'm protecting you.

   I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.

   You know what I'd really like from a woman? Consent.

   Who do I speak to about quitting adulthood?

   Its Friday, Anything worth doing is worth doing weird.

   I rate that sharks circle before attacking because humans taste better without sh*t in them.

   When Eminem, wrote Recovery, obviously he wanted to Recover. Akon wrote Freedom, because he wanted freedom. And Justin Bieber wrote boyfriend, hhmmmm......

   Remember the theme song from the Adams family?.. trust me, you will all day ;) dabba-da-bump *snap*snap

   Jenna Marbles needs to STFU already and do porn

   Apparently, vodka is not a relationship, it's a beverage... (sigh)

   My ex-wife is living proof of how stupid I can be.