Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The week has seven days: Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday, Friday, Saturday and preMonday.

   Hmmmm.. Do you ever wonder if Nicki Minaj butt dials more than most people?..

   In celebration of turning a year older, I'll be wearing my birthday suit all day.....so just make sure that's my HAND you're shaking at church tomorrow!

   who wants leftover bacon....said no one ever

   If you are an option, you are also an idiot

   I'm voting for the first candidate that walks up to the podium in the next debate and does the "Vitameatavegamin" skit! HA!

   oh your looking for a 'cuddle buddy'. Maybe if you took down your Duck Face, YOLO T-shirt wearing pics you'd have a better chance at finding one. No guy wants to cuddle with a Mallard that says YOLO.

   I just dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!

   My favorite mythical creature is the happy b itches in tampon commercials.

   We need change from change and we need it fast.

   I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.

   Boobs are the best hand warmers.

   Redneck sext: when mom and dad leave You're all mines.

   You had me at "tubes tied"

   Forget about sexy, I am bringing good manners back!

   Life's a garden. Bury your enemies in it.

   Girl Logic: I'd like him a lot more if he ignored and liked me a little less.

   I love you like white folks love their pet dogs.

   The words "Haters" and "Swag" are overused by the people who have neither

   I don't want to sound ignorant but if I can't understand something... then it's stupid and I hate it.