Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   b#tches are like Monday's - nobody likes them but everybody has to deal with them!

   What is this Gangnam stle everyone is going on about? And can I use it in the bedroom?

   Never mistake my silence for weakness. Always remember, no smart person plans a murder out loud.

   Tom cruise is going to leave Scientology? Will he take the Bullet or the beating- or the massage from john travolta?

   Never treat someone like an iPhone when they treat you like a BlackBerry.

   I think it's sick joke that companies are selling calendars for 2013. Anything to make a buck.

   "‎"when I was a kid, I was terrified of ear wigs cause I thought they came outta your ears. just imagine when I found out about cockroaches!""

   Skinny = anorexic , thick = obese , virgin = too good , non-virgin = slut , friendly = fake , quiet = rude. You can never please society

   It's amazing how everyone is suddenly a political genius one month every 4 years

   There is this new awesome technology to do group chats... It's called "put your damn phone away and join the conversation!"

   Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles

   Hey bartender! I spilt my beer in my mouth, can I get another??

   Glad Facebook knocks me off for "Routine Maintenance"... said by no-one, ever!!

   I need to wash this beer down with another beer

   You know your getting fat when you go to unbotton your pants...and it already done

   She hit the brakes and I hit her, and this beautiful blond gets out and says "Ram me in the a$$ why don't you"! And here your honor is were it gets confusing

   Old Yeller's a book? All this time I thought it was my brother tooth...

   You know how to make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!!

   My neighbor came knocking at my door at 2:30 this morning...can you believe that, 2:30 A.M. mad me so mad,,lucky for him I was still up playing my drums!!!

   I have no idea what anyone means when they describe the weather as 'crisp'. If you're going to use the word 'crisp', you really should be talking about bacon.