Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn't matter what. I just need something to drink to.

   If me and you are ever in an argument and it becomes obvious that I am clearly wrong.... plz don't gloat.... just ask the guy with the eye patch!

   Hey ladies, tired of your boyfriend complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.

   Cardinal Baseball song of the night: " I left my ̶̶H̶̶e̶̶a̶̶r̶̶t̶̶ Ass in San Francisco"

   I have a blind date and I keep having people tell me to just be myself. Are you kidding me? Have you read my FB post?

   Saw a bar of gold running down the street ,so shouted after it................AU

   missed my bed....and by missed I mean turning the lights off jump on my bed and landing on the floor

   amazing that anyone under 30 thinks foreign policy has to do with how well you play Call of Duty

   Everyone always said that nothing about me would ever amount to much. I wish they could see my bar tab now.

   Three things you never have to ask me: Do you want a hit? Do you want a drink? Do you want cheese on that?

   Most people need a reason to drink, I need a reason not to drink.

   Was comforting my lesbian friend because her girlfriend broke her heart. I told her they have a pill for that. "What's the name of it?" she asked. I replied "trycoxagain"

   I just got stripped of 7 of my kick ball titles they found out I had performance enhancer shoes

   What people call it the presidential debate, I call it the world's most expensive puppet show.

   You know what is sweeter than the laughter from a child? The sound of silence from not having any kids.

   Next time you're asked "What's Up" respond "A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house."

   Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and you end up slipping on it.

   women these days.....some of their eyebrows looks like they are sponsored by NIKE.

   You know you have an awesome bra... when you can do the entire 'Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes' song.... with just a slight adjustment of the shoulder straps!

   that was good I walked into walmart and walkout pissed off and a headache in under 2 mins. is it wrong to want to flip off the golden girl at the front door when she says have a nice day