Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How women see word problems If Dan buys 6 pears, 4 apples & 5 oranges. How many women did that son of a b itch check out while he was there?

   Boy, they don't like when you go up for seconds at church.

   Its bad enough humour has dried up around these parts but now we have to resort to r acial humour? Really?

   I bet before the judges enter their courtrooms, they smack each other on the ass and say, "Now get out there and do some justice."

   Made up Word of the Day: Dysfucktional.

   Shut the hell up and do me. - How arguments should end.

   Smart enough to know better. Stupid enough to try. Stubborn enough to make it work, no matter what.

   I wear a hoodie and shorts cause half of me don't give a s hit and half of me is cold…

   Brrrr it's cold in here....Need a fire PIT...Would you be my fire pit??....I got wood!!!

   my ex-girlfriend walked by me today with her new boyfriend, they both laughed, so I smiled and told him "you must be use to having seconds"

   Last years Halloween hand-outs of cough drops and marbles were such a hit, I'll be adding baby aspirin and cod liver oil to this years rotation....Trick-or treat! ツ

   Lady GaGa just signed a deal with a major corporation to represent her new clothing line. Hillshire Farms.

   I'm allergic to tequila, I break out in handcuffs.

   Ever notice the word "bed" looks like one?

   Got a job at Bed, Bath, & Beyond. I start tomorrow. In the Beyond department.

   "I was country, when country wasn't cool"....newflash...it still isn't.

   "He died doing what he loved, which was clinging to life and trying not to die, which he was very good at until recently."

   I don't call it "Drinking Coffee" I prefer "Installing Java."

   As I was filling up my gas tank I realized I didn't want to eat this week anyways.

   ;•į <~~ one eye drunk texting face!